Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Decade of my Discontent: If I Liked Being Called a Bitch to My Face, I Woul...
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
If I Liked Being Called a Bitch to My Face, I Would Still Be Married
That quote really has absolutely nothing to do with my blog. Just wanted to use it! Thanks to Kyra Sedgewick and The Closer, what a great line!
I have been severely blog challenged of late. I didn't even blog when I lost a out on what would have been a good job and a substantial wage increase--I was intensely rattled after having omitted a semi colon (maybe) and a comma (definitely) from my cover letter. I didn't get the job, but I wanted to share a sentence from my rejection letter with you. "While we have selected another applicant, but I want to express to you that we rated you very high in our selection process." Dietra, you want to share with the class why I am excited about that sentence? I wanted to send Mr. Barrows, who took credit for writing the letter, a thank you note. Thanks for trying to cheer me up after losing the job by putting a big, fat grammatical error in my rejection letter!! I secretly hope the 'applicant they selected' wrote the letter! My friend Melanie suggested I look at it as another test, correct it and send it back. Maybe I am making some progress, cause I'm pretty sure doing that wouldn't be high on the scale of winning friends, influencing people, or ever getting an interview with that company again. But she is correct that it would have felt great!
Since this blog seems to suddenly be about jobs, interviewing or the lack there of, let's continue. Why don't I have a real job?? I can do lot's of things in an office, hell I seriously used to run an office. It's been so long since I used anything like half my brain, that I have honestly forgotten that I use to know how to do things. I'm the classic underachiever who is deluded about being an overachiever. And after my last interview, obviously a crap proofreader (You are the exception, Rick Nowell)!
Let me share with you my top three crap interviews!
Number Three with a Bullet, a HOUSEKEEPING POSITION at Valley Health. I feel slightly bad about not making this number one, it is very close to being the worst, and certainly is the most pointless, interview I have ever had! But it was only about 20 minutes, so it lost some points for that. Let's begin with returning Barbara's call to schedule the interview. Barbara gave me directions to the appropriate section of the hospital where the interview would take place. Unfortunately, she knew I would never be able to access the interview because of the locked door with a keypad. Maybe that is part of the interviewing process, to see if you can actually get in? I went to the kitchen, kidnapped a young boy who couldn't get in either. All we needed was that elusive third stooge!!! Alright, back to the interview. I introduced myself and shook the man's hand, the same can't be said for him. To this day, I have no idea who he was! My boyfriend would (and did) chalk that up to my not being serious about getting a job. But Mr. No Name was a crack shot interviewer! He had two or three sheets of pre prepared questions donated by the Aramark Company that he was asking all the candidates. Mr. No Name was an apparent genius because he was able to memorize my answers on the spot. I know this because he never picked up a pencil or took a note. Note to No Name--I'm college educated, not going to fool me with "Describe the last time you were late for work", "Describe the last time you broke a rule", "Do your co-workers like you?". I would pick shit with even your chickens for more hours, money, benefits, ect. but I would never get that stick to beat my own ass with and tell you I'm late for work and break the rules! Ahhh, and Barbara. She sat in on the interview. And by sat in I mean she sat in the back of the room and worked her farm on a lap top. Barbara appeared to be as good an assistant as No Name was an interviewer. The phone rings. Barbara gets up, goes to No Name's desk, identified the caller and said, "Nope, I'm not answering that call.", and sauntered back to finish building her pig pen.
Number Two. This interview holds a special place in my heart because it was during the period that I was totally unemployed and would have taken migrant farm work. The interview was for a flooring company, located in the family McMansion on the other side of Strasburg, just inside Middletown. Just like Valley Health the interviewer either hated me on sight or had already filled the job, because I can assure you, she had no intention of ever hiring. We spent 10-15 minutes with her describing her company and the job. Again, based on that alone it would not be worthy of a place in the top 10, much less three. In this case the job itself moved it up the ladder. 20 or 25 hours a week, 8, maybe 9 AM, until 1 or maybe 3 PM, just depends. Salary, 9 maybe ten dollars an hour, just depends. Now it get's interesting. Would I mind being paid in cash and 1099-ed at the end of the year? No and I'm good with bamboo shoots under my nails too, though. And the piece a resistance!! Drum Roll--over a hundred people applied for the job. On the plus side the 20 minute drive allowed me to enjoy my hysterical breakdown before I arrived back home.
And Number One, that last job I didn't get. Again, to be fair, it probably shouldn't be here topping the list. It was a good job, it was a very tough interview. But dammit, I didn't get the freaking job!! Suddenly, I was at a large table looking down the barrel of three men. Number One guy lulled me to sleep and into a false sense of security by droning on about the job. Note to readers--when you don't understand the benefits package, you may be in over your head. Number Two asked me the usual questions. "Describe a time you were late for work." "Describe a time you broke the rules." Would have referred him to Valley Health, but no name and no record of my answers. Last, The Grand Inquisitor. The only think missing was the bare light bulb and the lamb stew! Fortunately for him, all it took was the red circles on my cover letter in the first 10 seconds to completely rattle me for the rest of the interview and testing process!! Note to Inquisitor--If I knew how to solve the frigging plight of the middle class, I wouldn't be middle class or need your job!!!
So, on the Con side, I toll away at two jobs, virtually unappreciated and frequently greasy and dirty. On the plus side, they did throw me the bad sentence in the rejection letter bone. And, I had to rewrite and retype almost this entire blog, because I no longer send out anything without proofreading and re-proofreading!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Origins of my Discontent
You know I started this blog a while ago because I was reading the Washington Post Magazine and it seemed like Jayne Lytel had stolen my life, and therefore my potential blog--and I wanted to start my own before some other wannabe beat me to the punch.
Jayne Lytel is the Michaela Salahi meets Carrie Bradshaw of Blogging. She writes under the pseudonym of Ann Power, of Girl On The Edge. Being unemployed, or under employed with my ex under foot because we couldn't afford to separate, seemed like my life. Unfortunately (I think), the resemblance stops there. Let's just sum up Lytel with power points, shall we:
I love to write, and I appreciate every single one of the two of you that read this!!! I hope I get to keep writing long enough to find my niche, my voice and my stride! Deborah asked last week why I hadn't written anything new--it can usually be explained by 30 hours a week at Kohnen-Starkey and 29.5 hours a week at the Apple House of Linden. If either of you readers have the fast track to a wealthy man (one foot in the grave and the other one close behind is a plus), feel free to post that comment any where I might find it. Certainly, if either of you know where I can find one job to support myself in the absence of that wealthy man instead of the two I currently have, send it even faster. But I would be equally as tickled if you found a third person to read my ravings! And a special shout out to Ann Power and Jayne Lytel for creating the origins of what I jokingly refer to as the decade of my discontent.
Jayne Lytel is the Michaela Salahi meets Carrie Bradshaw of Blogging. She writes under the pseudonym of Ann Power, of Girl On The Edge. Being unemployed, or under employed with my ex under foot because we couldn't afford to separate, seemed like my life. Unfortunately (I think), the resemblance stops there. Let's just sum up Lytel with power points, shall we:
- Successful wife and career woman has child diagnosed with Autism
- Gives up career track to become successful Autism author and advocate
- Along the way financial strain from special needs take it toll on her marriage and she divorces
- Skies open and opportunity shines, she finds a wealthy man and returns to work.
- Gods are bored, she loses job to recession and boyfriend dumps her by email.
I love to write, and I appreciate every single one of the two of you that read this!!! I hope I get to keep writing long enough to find my niche, my voice and my stride! Deborah asked last week why I hadn't written anything new--it can usually be explained by 30 hours a week at Kohnen-Starkey and 29.5 hours a week at the Apple House of Linden. If either of you readers have the fast track to a wealthy man (one foot in the grave and the other one close behind is a plus), feel free to post that comment any where I might find it. Certainly, if either of you know where I can find one job to support myself in the absence of that wealthy man instead of the two I currently have, send it even faster. But I would be equally as tickled if you found a third person to read my ravings! And a special shout out to Ann Power and Jayne Lytel for creating the origins of what I jokingly refer to as the decade of my discontent.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I want to have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames: or How I Finally Know I'm OLD
I WANT TO HAVE MY KICKS BEFORE THE WHOLE SHITHOUSE GOES UP IN FLAMES. Actually quoted from Jim Morrison, but my sentiments exactly! It obviously isn't a new quote (since Jim has been dead or in hiding since 1971), probably between '68-70, and I personally have been using parts of it since at least the '80's, but here is the thing-I couldn't bolster the balls to paste it on my Facebook page! I've finally reached the AGE of reason, or fear or absurdity, that may be something akin to maturity. I don't know but it certainly suck!
I could have almost posted it if I'd chosen to give Jim credit. The people who don't know who said it think your bad ass or punk or God forbid emo or something. The people who do know who said it (and these are the people I really wanted to post it for) think you still have it, because you can still use it. But the reason I didn't post it, and the reason I fear I'm tumbling headlong in to the abyss of mindless old age, is the people who wouldn't care and would never get! And I'm not bubble head barbie posting any and every random thought, phrase or misdemeanor on my Facebook page for future steps to my success (or continued failure) to read! Next thing you know I will have to ditch my Facebook account altogether because really successful employers don't want me to have one and 10 people will be following my blog and I'll have to begin writing it under an assumed name to protect myself and my imposed innocence!!
I'm perched on a parapet reading my own postcards from the edge, wondering which road to take now that I'm five miles of bad road past the fork in the road. And more importantly--who will carry on. If I give up my struggle against the tide, how long before we spawn generations that have never even heard of Jim Morrison? I work with kids, and it's a constant source of frustration and surprise. The only way I could explain the Who when they played last year's Superbowl was that one or more of them had seen an episode of CSI! Not one of them has ever seen Mickey Rouke when he was dirty but pretty. I cannot even contemplate how to introduce them to Billy Jack or Alice's Restaurant, any right of passage in my family, although Chelsey is a God fearing friend to Sarah Palin, so now that Arlo is a Republican, he might get her vote.
I want to get my kicks before the whole shit house goes up in flames--but have I waited too long already?? Do you see what those kids post on their pages? Those are song lyrics? Give me a break! I read that crap and I think who's hillybilly hip hop got too close to the pop princess gene pool with no lifeguard and this is what came out of that gorilla love-in? What happened to parity people?? I've watched Jersey Shore, I don't care to keep up with the Kardashian's but I know who they are. 10 plastic surgeries in one day, Bristol dancing, Levi running, or running away. But, here is the true crime of an internet age, too many entertainment outlets or distractions, so no exposure to true old school, back in the day (I soo, soo, soo hate that phrase) anything. When 20 channels was all you could get you saw a real movie, in black and white, low definition, in all it's chain smoking spender! The Picture of Dorian Gray, I love George Sanders. Have you ever tried to explain George Sanders to anyone under 35? First I have to define rogue. And eventually we get around to Jungle Book, and you can almost see a light bulb go off. They have no more idea of George Sanders than they do Colonel Sanders, and few of them even know who he is! Here's my absolute favorite--I wanted to be amusing and express BEWARE to Amber, so I text her "Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!" When it requires 15 minutes of explanation, it is no longer funny!
Ok, I wrote a little more. Thank you to Deborah who noticed I hadn't written anything since last week. You know what they say, "Be careful what you wish for!!"
I could have almost posted it if I'd chosen to give Jim credit. The people who don't know who said it think your bad ass or punk or God forbid emo or something. The people who do know who said it (and these are the people I really wanted to post it for) think you still have it, because you can still use it. But the reason I didn't post it, and the reason I fear I'm tumbling headlong in to the abyss of mindless old age, is the people who wouldn't care and would never get! And I'm not bubble head barbie posting any and every random thought, phrase or misdemeanor on my Facebook page for future steps to my success (or continued failure) to read! Next thing you know I will have to ditch my Facebook account altogether because really successful employers don't want me to have one and 10 people will be following my blog and I'll have to begin writing it under an assumed name to protect myself and my imposed innocence!!
I'm perched on a parapet reading my own postcards from the edge, wondering which road to take now that I'm five miles of bad road past the fork in the road. And more importantly--who will carry on. If I give up my struggle against the tide, how long before we spawn generations that have never even heard of Jim Morrison? I work with kids, and it's a constant source of frustration and surprise. The only way I could explain the Who when they played last year's Superbowl was that one or more of them had seen an episode of CSI! Not one of them has ever seen Mickey Rouke when he was dirty but pretty. I cannot even contemplate how to introduce them to Billy Jack or Alice's Restaurant, any right of passage in my family, although Chelsey is a God fearing friend to Sarah Palin, so now that Arlo is a Republican, he might get her vote.
I want to get my kicks before the whole shit house goes up in flames--but have I waited too long already?? Do you see what those kids post on their pages? Those are song lyrics? Give me a break! I read that crap and I think who's hillybilly hip hop got too close to the pop princess gene pool with no lifeguard and this is what came out of that gorilla love-in? What happened to parity people?? I've watched Jersey Shore, I don't care to keep up with the Kardashian's but I know who they are. 10 plastic surgeries in one day, Bristol dancing, Levi running, or running away. But, here is the true crime of an internet age, too many entertainment outlets or distractions, so no exposure to true old school, back in the day (I soo, soo, soo hate that phrase) anything. When 20 channels was all you could get you saw a real movie, in black and white, low definition, in all it's chain smoking spender! The Picture of Dorian Gray, I love George Sanders. Have you ever tried to explain George Sanders to anyone under 35? First I have to define rogue. And eventually we get around to Jungle Book, and you can almost see a light bulb go off. They have no more idea of George Sanders than they do Colonel Sanders, and few of them even know who he is! Here's my absolute favorite--I wanted to be amusing and express BEWARE to Amber, so I text her "Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!" When it requires 15 minutes of explanation, it is no longer funny!
Ok, I wrote a little more. Thank you to Deborah who noticed I hadn't written anything since last week. You know what they say, "Be careful what you wish for!!"
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I've Been Through Hell: The Elin Nordegren Story
I just don't like Elin Nordegren. I don't really even know why. She actually seems relatively normal. Baseball cap and little makeup, I don't think I have ever seen a glamour shot besides the one in that awful gold dress with the fringe between her boobs! Ok, here it is, I think she exudes a sort of self-absorbed, stand offishness that comes across even in photographs.
More to the point I saw Sandra Sobieraj Westfall, a reporter for People magazine that wrote this weeks cover story on Nordegren, this morning on the Today Show. Sandra seems to be of the opinion that her subject is something akin to a concentration camp survivor or cancer patient, at the very least. She actually said, while closing her eyes and shaking her head, "that she cannot even imagine the crucible Elin has been in." Does a multi-million dollar mansion in Juniper, Fla really qualify as a cruicble??
Look don't get me wrong, having a partner be unfaithful to you is wicked painful, and extremely humiliating. My boyfriend and I broke up after 8 years and I lived with a girlfriend for almost a month, I really needed to break the cycle and the routine of my life with him, and being in the same house was mind bogglingly unbearable. And I am certainly not without sympathy or empathy for someone who has to experience that in a very public way. But come on! Your husband might discreetly have a tryst with one woman and get away with it for little while if he were so inclined, but you want me or anyone else to believe that your husband was playing slap and tickle with enough women to staff a Hooters and you didn't notice? I'm sorry, I just don't think so, and I would have a lot more respect for you if you just said, "Hey, I liked my life and as long as he tried to hide them I looked the other way, and it's really none of anyone's freaking business anyway!" It isn't any of my freaking business until you give me some ridiculous excuse because you played dumb, I need to play dumb. Nope, not me.
More about this interview with People and the Today Show piece. Michael Inbar of Todayshow.com described Westfall's work as a probing 19-hour interview. Probing? Ann Curry made the 19 hour interview over 4 days seem like a prison sentence. For Lindsay Lohan maybe, it's more like a Michaele hair extension appointment. I am so ashamed. I love this crap, I really do. I had the first issue of People magazine with Mia Farrow on the cover, I'm not referring to that as a trophy or anything, just an example of how I have always been into reading about the currently famous. As Penny Lane would say, Famous People are just more interesting that regular people! But I am giving them up, once and for all! This article is the straw that broke my back, but it's been coming for a long time.
I gave up my subscription during another epiphanous People moment a few years ago and now I can rarely justify the expense at $5 a pop. I usually can only bring myself to buy them when I have a coupon now (God I'm old!). I have years of experience in several fields but I can't find a single job that pays me enough to even live, so I have to work two jobs, 60 hours and 7 days a week--but People magazine paid Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt $19 million for a first picture of their kids--I don't have the words to express the absurdity of the system that we perpetrate for the privileged, but I no longer want to precipitate it. Finally, the magazine is now a ghost of it's former self. It is mildly amusing that the staff takes itself and what it does so seriously, but while People has always been know for articles that could be consumed and completed during the average crap (Thank You, Jeff Goldblum), now that don't even include many of those. Even in it's current whittled down size, most of the magazine is made up of advertising and photographs with silly captions. In place of actual words or content, they fill up 2-3 pages with famous people doing similar activities and call it day.
Alright, I'm Officially off the fan mag, literally and figuratively, and we need to get back to Tiger and Elin. (Note, a frequent suggestion on how to get people to read a blog, "Take A Controversial Position", this isn't much but I'm going for it!) Ann Curry asked Westfall her main 'take away's from her probing Nordegren--she didn't hit Tiger. Again, sorry, never believed it! My husband has just hit two stationary structures between our place and the neighbors and my first thought was to run in and fetch a $5000 golf club to beat in his expensive SUV? What about the spare key fob and just unlocking the damn door? Nope, don't think so. And so what!! Every woman on the planet secretly believes you should have beaten him with his own club, girlfriend! I'm certain it still must be politically incorrect to admit it, but we do!! It's like the 'I didn't know my husband was cheating' lie, it makes you seem very blond and very dumb!! There is little or no plausible explanation for why you would attempt to free him with a golf club. I appreciate that once you've told a lie you feel obligated to stay with it--but get a grip. You aren't Bill Clinton trying to avoid Monica Lewinski. Just tell us you were trying to protect your husband's image so you would come out better in the divorce settlement!
Sandy--re watch your interview before you go on GMA or Oprah! If Elin admits she received more than $100 million, but didn't give you any details of her financial settlement (as I'm sure Tiger's legal team is watching breathlessly!) how do you know she didn't get any thing near as much as $750 million? You actually shook your head to emphasize how ridiculous the whole idea was. Tiger Wood was a brand! The first athlete to break the million dollar glass ceiling. Elin's legal team (including a reported cousin she got on the payroll) didn't care that Tiger was already down a shitload of change paying those hotchies off every month. She could have very easily gotten $750 to keep her head down and her mouth shut! Another insult to our intelligence.
And lastly, and perhaps most interestingly, Elin wants us to know she 'had a real marriage.' Wow. The whole marriage was a sham? I never questioned it before now, but since the entire Today Show interview has proven to be a to do list for Nordegren's publicist, what the heck is going on?? Did Tiger really just marry because kids are great props and Elin was the most promising candidate? Was that the understanding or was she duped like the rest of us? Did he ever honestly try to repair the marriage or was it all just media spin for his sponsors? I suddenly feel like Carrie Bradshaw, all I need now is my trusty Apple laptop and a Marlboro!
I don't know. None of this makes any difference in the real world, but where is that real world? It feels finally finished to me, and were there really any losers? Tiger can finally focus on golf, something he apparently needs badly, not to mention he is free to stuff hundred into garters with both hands now! Elin can eat, drink and be merry now with all her hard earned cash. No more weight loss or hair loss. Most importantly as the story goes, she doesn't have to worry about getting a job right away so she can stay home with the kids! And People magazine is a must buy, because Nordegren is never going to be talking about this again. And I was going to complain about Lindsay getting out of rehab today!!
More to the point I saw Sandra Sobieraj Westfall, a reporter for People magazine that wrote this weeks cover story on Nordegren, this morning on the Today Show. Sandra seems to be of the opinion that her subject is something akin to a concentration camp survivor or cancer patient, at the very least. She actually said, while closing her eyes and shaking her head, "that she cannot even imagine the crucible Elin has been in." Does a multi-million dollar mansion in Juniper, Fla really qualify as a cruicble??
Look don't get me wrong, having a partner be unfaithful to you is wicked painful, and extremely humiliating. My boyfriend and I broke up after 8 years and I lived with a girlfriend for almost a month, I really needed to break the cycle and the routine of my life with him, and being in the same house was mind bogglingly unbearable. And I am certainly not without sympathy or empathy for someone who has to experience that in a very public way. But come on! Your husband might discreetly have a tryst with one woman and get away with it for little while if he were so inclined, but you want me or anyone else to believe that your husband was playing slap and tickle with enough women to staff a Hooters and you didn't notice? I'm sorry, I just don't think so, and I would have a lot more respect for you if you just said, "Hey, I liked my life and as long as he tried to hide them I looked the other way, and it's really none of anyone's freaking business anyway!" It isn't any of my freaking business until you give me some ridiculous excuse because you played dumb, I need to play dumb. Nope, not me.
More about this interview with People and the Today Show piece. Michael Inbar of Todayshow.com described Westfall's work as a probing 19-hour interview. Probing? Ann Curry made the 19 hour interview over 4 days seem like a prison sentence. For Lindsay Lohan maybe, it's more like a Michaele hair extension appointment. I am so ashamed. I love this crap, I really do. I had the first issue of People magazine with Mia Farrow on the cover, I'm not referring to that as a trophy or anything, just an example of how I have always been into reading about the currently famous. As Penny Lane would say, Famous People are just more interesting that regular people! But I am giving them up, once and for all! This article is the straw that broke my back, but it's been coming for a long time.
I gave up my subscription during another epiphanous People moment a few years ago and now I can rarely justify the expense at $5 a pop. I usually can only bring myself to buy them when I have a coupon now (God I'm old!). I have years of experience in several fields but I can't find a single job that pays me enough to even live, so I have to work two jobs, 60 hours and 7 days a week--but People magazine paid Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt $19 million for a first picture of their kids--I don't have the words to express the absurdity of the system that we perpetrate for the privileged, but I no longer want to precipitate it. Finally, the magazine is now a ghost of it's former self. It is mildly amusing that the staff takes itself and what it does so seriously, but while People has always been know for articles that could be consumed and completed during the average crap (Thank You, Jeff Goldblum), now that don't even include many of those. Even in it's current whittled down size, most of the magazine is made up of advertising and photographs with silly captions. In place of actual words or content, they fill up 2-3 pages with famous people doing similar activities and call it day.
Alright, I'm Officially off the fan mag, literally and figuratively, and we need to get back to Tiger and Elin. (Note, a frequent suggestion on how to get people to read a blog, "Take A Controversial Position", this isn't much but I'm going for it!) Ann Curry asked Westfall her main 'take away's from her probing Nordegren--she didn't hit Tiger. Again, sorry, never believed it! My husband has just hit two stationary structures between our place and the neighbors and my first thought was to run in and fetch a $5000 golf club to beat in his expensive SUV? What about the spare key fob and just unlocking the damn door? Nope, don't think so. And so what!! Every woman on the planet secretly believes you should have beaten him with his own club, girlfriend! I'm certain it still must be politically incorrect to admit it, but we do!! It's like the 'I didn't know my husband was cheating' lie, it makes you seem very blond and very dumb!! There is little or no plausible explanation for why you would attempt to free him with a golf club. I appreciate that once you've told a lie you feel obligated to stay with it--but get a grip. You aren't Bill Clinton trying to avoid Monica Lewinski. Just tell us you were trying to protect your husband's image so you would come out better in the divorce settlement!
Sandy--re watch your interview before you go on GMA or Oprah! If Elin admits she received more than $100 million, but didn't give you any details of her financial settlement (as I'm sure Tiger's legal team is watching breathlessly!) how do you know she didn't get any thing near as much as $750 million? You actually shook your head to emphasize how ridiculous the whole idea was. Tiger Wood was a brand! The first athlete to break the million dollar glass ceiling. Elin's legal team (including a reported cousin she got on the payroll) didn't care that Tiger was already down a shitload of change paying those hotchies off every month. She could have very easily gotten $750 to keep her head down and her mouth shut! Another insult to our intelligence.
And lastly, and perhaps most interestingly, Elin wants us to know she 'had a real marriage.' Wow. The whole marriage was a sham? I never questioned it before now, but since the entire Today Show interview has proven to be a to do list for Nordegren's publicist, what the heck is going on?? Did Tiger really just marry because kids are great props and Elin was the most promising candidate? Was that the understanding or was she duped like the rest of us? Did he ever honestly try to repair the marriage or was it all just media spin for his sponsors? I suddenly feel like Carrie Bradshaw, all I need now is my trusty Apple laptop and a Marlboro!
I don't know. None of this makes any difference in the real world, but where is that real world? It feels finally finished to me, and were there really any losers? Tiger can finally focus on golf, something he apparently needs badly, not to mention he is free to stuff hundred into garters with both hands now! Elin can eat, drink and be merry now with all her hard earned cash. No more weight loss or hair loss. Most importantly as the story goes, she doesn't have to worry about getting a job right away so she can stay home with the kids! And People magazine is a must buy, because Nordegren is never going to be talking about this again. And I was going to complain about Lindsay getting out of rehab today!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
An Ode to Danielle
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
An Ode to Danielle
I am far from a Housewives of New Jersey expert. As a matter of fact I have watched maybe half a dozen episodes, maybe a little less (you got a stack on Hulu or On Demand, it is just hard to keep track). She doesn't seem like a brain truss, but she doesn't seem like the devil incarnate either. That ex-con she's using as an idiot body guard is a little disturbing, even to her I think, but how evil can you be when you turn out to be just a big ole 'fraidy cat??
Here is all I'm saying, she is attractive in a botoxed, injectable New Jersey sort of way. She's over tanned and under weight, perfect for the part. All she really does is show up, repositions her hair until one of the other women work themselves up into a throw down, and then she just cries and drools in the bushes or a Bentley and waits for her favorite officers working the local beat to arrive. She honestly causes less trouble than the others. Am I wrong?
Is hoping to send the Housewife in training to prison a little harsh--sure. Do we really think any judge in the state has missed that episode and is going to send the kid to jail?? I think a little trash pickup off the ramp of her exit might be warranted though. Not everyone is on a reality show so you have to learn that it isn't appropriate to pull someones extensions out their heads just because you see a camera and some strong lights. I know a lot of woman who are a pain in my ass but I never tried to pull their hair out by the roots. I do live in Front Royal, and I have known a couple woman who have done that, but hey, they didn't go to jail either!
Villains have become such an important aspect of reality tv that the new Housewives have two.
DENIED
Brave New World my ass!! It is a scary place out there, on many, many levels! And I get that. I don't have children but I am very sensitive to cyber safety, especially with children, but really for us all. Still, when Facebook will not even let me send a friends request, I am both aghast and amused. Again.
As one or two fearless readers might have suspected, I am a Gordon Ramsey junkie. I've made risotto and Wellilngton to Chef Ramsay exacting standards. I watched him change his shirt so many times I'm more familiar with his chest hair than my partners (and why do the cameras follow him for wardrobe change???). At my house we dvr, inspect and dissect all things Gordon Ramsay. So when my Facebook friend Hell's Kitchen sent me a post last night announcing the new Season 8 chefs I got right on my droid and starting asking the chefs to be my new friends! Now, shortly all the chefs will have "official" Hell's Kitchen chef coat shots and Facebook pages, but while I might be a groupie, nobody wants to look like one (let's see, bandaid is already taken, would kitchen aid be copyright infringement?), so I like to get my requests in early and beat the rush!
Side Note Here--for any one (the number for followers I currently have), who hasn't worked a few years in a kitchen let me give you the 411 on restaurant groupies. Maybe they aren't riding the tour bus with the roadies to get to Mick, or holding anyone hostage because they are their Number 1 fan, but they are strange and undeniably creepy. What makes them so creepy? They aren't trying to sleep with the band. They aren't 6-degrees separated from anyone famous. They aren't even trying to rub elbows with celebrities, celebrity wanna be's, reality stars (or party crashers)--they are gratified by personal contact with the people who cook their food!!! You see many different degrees of restaurant groupies. The businessman that wants the waiters name so he monopolize their time, but in reality he just needs to make a lasting impression (this will be the same guy on an upcoming segment of Kitchen Nightmares who bought the restaurant because he believes he orders well and what else do you need to know?) The people who need to be greeted by the owners, fawned over, special faire and introductions for all their friends. Let me tell you, it is no coincidence that the host/maitre'd is frequently a man with an air of over confidence (over compensating for his inadequacies) and an eye for the ladies (or men), because in some alien restaurant hierarchy, you are the rock star. I know, go figure. It reminds me of the look on a 5-year old niece's face when I told her paper grew on trees. I've known groupies that have hosted the restaurant's Christmas Party, hired the chef to drop by the house and whip up a little something for their friends, and they all offer to play host or hostess for free--again, because what do you really need to know to successfully run the floor of a restaurant?
Now, we have taken that groupie experience to a whole new level!! We have combined that sick and sordid need for personal interaction with the people peeling our shrimp and tossed in more than a dash of pseudo celebrity. I myself have felt my heart race just a little at the realization that I was having an actual, virtual conversation with Season Six winner Dave Levey about dating and woman. I badly wanted some other obsessed fan of reality tv to touch me! So I share these experiences with my mate, let's call him Bart, because that's a joke and believe me more than anything he wants to remain anonymous! Bart doesn't get it, he never wants to get it, and he hopes he never has to have it. He calls it sucking face with my phone , he resents the intrusion, and he'd like me to go do a chore instead. Now you know why I've taken up blogging.
So as I am very excitedly adding new chefs to my fold, not one but two of the friends request came back something like, "you don't know these people, so quit trying to access them you Facebook Freek!" "Oh yeah, and if you think you have reached this message in error, so what!" Now on or soon after September 22, 2010, there are going to be two Hell's Kitchen contestants making the dog and pony show personal appearance tour from restaurant to restaurant trying to dredge up customers for viewing parties during the approximate 14 weeks the series airs, that will never be able to send me an invite!! Example--Chef contestants Salvatore Coppola, Jason "Jay" Santos, and Ed Battaglia attend a "Hell's Kitchen" finale viewing party at Gargoyle's on the Square in Somerville.
Ladies, you had your chance--and you and Facebook blew it!! I'm a great friend. I watch your show religiously. I make you seem popular by leaving comments on your posts. I even send you conciliatory messages after you get booted off the show like a freaking donkey! Unfortunately for you two, I will be doing that for Gail Novenario and Russel Kook, who had the good sense to accept me as their friends right away, instead of you. DENIED!
As one or two fearless readers might have suspected, I am a Gordon Ramsey junkie. I've made risotto and Wellilngton to Chef Ramsay exacting standards. I watched him change his shirt so many times I'm more familiar with his chest hair than my partners (and why do the cameras follow him for wardrobe change???). At my house we dvr, inspect and dissect all things Gordon Ramsay. So when my Facebook friend Hell's Kitchen sent me a post last night announcing the new Season 8 chefs I got right on my droid and starting asking the chefs to be my new friends! Now, shortly all the chefs will have "official" Hell's Kitchen chef coat shots and Facebook pages, but while I might be a groupie, nobody wants to look like one (let's see, bandaid is already taken, would kitchen aid be copyright infringement?), so I like to get my requests in early and beat the rush!
Side Note Here--for any one (the number for followers I currently have), who hasn't worked a few years in a kitchen let me give you the 411 on restaurant groupies. Maybe they aren't riding the tour bus with the roadies to get to Mick, or holding anyone hostage because they are their Number 1 fan, but they are strange and undeniably creepy. What makes them so creepy? They aren't trying to sleep with the band. They aren't 6-degrees separated from anyone famous. They aren't even trying to rub elbows with celebrities, celebrity wanna be's, reality stars (or party crashers)--they are gratified by personal contact with the people who cook their food!!! You see many different degrees of restaurant groupies. The businessman that wants the waiters name so he monopolize their time, but in reality he just needs to make a lasting impression (this will be the same guy on an upcoming segment of Kitchen Nightmares who bought the restaurant because he believes he orders well and what else do you need to know?) The people who need to be greeted by the owners, fawned over, special faire and introductions for all their friends. Let me tell you, it is no coincidence that the host/maitre'd is frequently a man with an air of over confidence (over compensating for his inadequacies) and an eye for the ladies (or men), because in some alien restaurant hierarchy, you are the rock star. I know, go figure. It reminds me of the look on a 5-year old niece's face when I told her paper grew on trees. I've known groupies that have hosted the restaurant's Christmas Party, hired the chef to drop by the house and whip up a little something for their friends, and they all offer to play host or hostess for free--again, because what do you really need to know to successfully run the floor of a restaurant?
Now, we have taken that groupie experience to a whole new level!! We have combined that sick and sordid need for personal interaction with the people peeling our shrimp and tossed in more than a dash of pseudo celebrity. I myself have felt my heart race just a little at the realization that I was having an actual, virtual conversation with Season Six winner Dave Levey about dating and woman. I badly wanted some other obsessed fan of reality tv to touch me! So I share these experiences with my mate, let's call him Bart, because that's a joke and believe me more than anything he wants to remain anonymous! Bart doesn't get it, he never wants to get it, and he hopes he never has to have it. He calls it sucking face with my phone , he resents the intrusion, and he'd like me to go do a chore instead. Now you know why I've taken up blogging.
So as I am very excitedly adding new chefs to my fold, not one but two of the friends request came back something like, "you don't know these people, so quit trying to access them you Facebook Freek!" "Oh yeah, and if you think you have reached this message in error, so what!" Now on or soon after September 22, 2010, there are going to be two Hell's Kitchen contestants making the dog and pony show personal appearance tour from restaurant to restaurant trying to dredge up customers for viewing parties during the approximate 14 weeks the series airs, that will never be able to send me an invite!! Example--Chef contestants Salvatore Coppola, Jason "Jay" Santos, and Ed Battaglia attend a "Hell's Kitchen" finale viewing party at Gargoyle's on the Square in Somerville.
Ladies, you had your chance--and you and Facebook blew it!! I'm a great friend. I watch your show religiously. I make you seem popular by leaving comments on your posts. I even send you conciliatory messages after you get booted off the show like a freaking donkey! Unfortunately for you two, I will be doing that for Gail Novenario and Russel Kook, who had the good sense to accept me as their friends right away, instead of you. DENIED!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Glory Days
Hint--when your 50, your glory days of high school are behind you and should always be left there!
Ok, so I live in a small, mostly blue collar town (not to imply that they actually wear a collar) where people still smoke and go to the 7-11 in their bedroom slippers. Front Royal has a supernatural influence over it's residence, even the educated and affluent become sedentary and culturally static over time, like the air outside of town suddenly gets thin for them, sort of the Tommyknockers Syndrome. I live in a Friday Night town with a single Bath and Body Works, Melting Pot Pizza, and Andrick's has two locations for Nascar memorabilia? paraphernalia? collectables? I'm just not sure! The citizens probably aren't certain of the religious affiliation of their President, but they know which Redskins showed up for practice today, am I painting a picture?
I am of that school of thought that childhood is indeed what you spent the rest of your life trying to get over! No wonder I'm not a fan of death defying rides as my whole life has been up and down like a roller coaster ride, so I'm both confused and amused when I run into the middle aged mind reliving it's glory day, which should probably really be their salad days, since their successes would hopefully have been ahead of them instead of behind them since high school? Again, I don't know!
So I'm trapped at my job by a customer I went to high school with . . . in 1979! It was the longest 10 minutes I can ever remember. I was hoping that the woman who asked my three different ways if we had any chewing gum would return! It was like 20 questions in a shooting gallery! What is your name? What year did you graduate? Do you know my name? Do you know my brother's name? Did you know he had 3 wives (you stumped me there!)? All that was missing was a bare light bulb and a boiling pot of lamb stew! I could hardly answer in time. Oddly, I'm sure I went to school with his wife as well, but she never interrupted and he never included her, so I guess it all worked out.
This is a quote from a young co-worker of mine, who would never believe that an old broad like myself would know what a blog is, much less have one, so I feel secure in copying his sentiment here.
Since no one reads my blogs I'm going to live on the edge and name my friend Jeremy and my former school mate Frank here, by name. Jeremy, Frank is the guy for you. 31 years later Frank still wishes he was there, and sends you this message --Warren County High School will never have another baseball team like the 1979 team. What do you think about that, Jeremy?
Ok, so I live in a small, mostly blue collar town (not to imply that they actually wear a collar) where people still smoke and go to the 7-11 in their bedroom slippers. Front Royal has a supernatural influence over it's residence, even the educated and affluent become sedentary and culturally static over time, like the air outside of town suddenly gets thin for them, sort of the Tommyknockers Syndrome. I live in a Friday Night town with a single Bath and Body Works, Melting Pot Pizza, and Andrick's has two locations for Nascar memorabilia? paraphernalia? collectables? I'm just not sure! The citizens probably aren't certain of the religious affiliation of their President, but they know which Redskins showed up for practice today, am I painting a picture?
I am of that school of thought that childhood is indeed what you spent the rest of your life trying to get over! No wonder I'm not a fan of death defying rides as my whole life has been up and down like a roller coaster ride, so I'm both confused and amused when I run into the middle aged mind reliving it's glory day, which should probably really be their salad days, since their successes would hopefully have been ahead of them instead of behind them since high school? Again, I don't know!
So I'm trapped at my job by a customer I went to high school with . . . in 1979! It was the longest 10 minutes I can ever remember. I was hoping that the woman who asked my three different ways if we had any chewing gum would return! It was like 20 questions in a shooting gallery! What is your name? What year did you graduate? Do you know my name? Do you know my brother's name? Did you know he had 3 wives (you stumped me there!)? All that was missing was a bare light bulb and a boiling pot of lamb stew! I could hardly answer in time. Oddly, I'm sure I went to school with his wife as well, but she never interrupted and he never included her, so I guess it all worked out.
This is a quote from a young co-worker of mine, who would never believe that an old broad like myself would know what a blog is, much less have one, so I feel secure in copying his sentiment here.
Even though some people graduate high school they still wish they were in it.
Since no one reads my blogs I'm going to live on the edge and name my friend Jeremy and my former school mate Frank here, by name. Jeremy, Frank is the guy for you. 31 years later Frank still wishes he was there, and sends you this message --Warren County High School will never have another baseball team like the 1979 team. What do you think about that, Jeremy?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Running Down a THING
I love to write. Not to pretend that I do it well, I just love it. At times I completely understand how writers outline and diagram a novel--and it ends up somewhere else entirely. I get that. It's like the Invisible Hand theory I studied in Economics, only interesting (just kidding professor!). It's one of the most exciting parts about writing--when the words just roll on, sometimes faster than you can type them.
My problem, if you can sincerely call it a problem, is that I really, really want to blog. I want to commit to an hour a day. I want to make the commitment, devote the time to a positive outlet in my life, and have the discipline to follow through and stick with it. So do I need rules and sturcture for my blog? Should I begin this endeavor with an outline, a diagram, a concept blog? Already I can feel the joy of writing running off the page. Up to this point I have sat down and put fingers to keyboard just pretty much when a topic popped for me. Usually some quirk of mine, tweaked by some unpleasant occurrence. Tony Robbins is whispering in my ear telling me that setting a goal and accomplishing it is going to turn my life around, and believe me when I tell you my life could use a u-turn! So what do I do?
Hear is the rub--I want people to read it. I want followers! Badly, actually. I want them to look for it in the morning like the paper, and chuckle as they go just like I did while I was writing it. I saw a couple on the Today Show (and folks, the more I follow news shows the more it becomes clear to me that it doesn't take a whole lot to get on early morning tv), where the man talks in his sleep. It was more specific than that, but it's been a while and it wasn't all that. The woman would essentially tape the nighttime conversations and re type them in her blog (had a chef boyfriend once who frequently sauteed in his sleep, little did I know I could parlay him into 15 minutes of fame). They had people across the pond and back following her blog! Unfortunately the only thing you would learn from my bedroom at night is that apparently I snore more frequently than I use to. Now that is something I want to blog about!
I saw an episode of House where a blogger related everything she did all day. Sample of my daily blog would be--Went to my first job. Ate more carbs than 3 people needed. Wondered how many carbs I could squeeze in for lunch? Changed clothes in anticipation of my second job of the day, make fashion statement with a t-shirt that reads "I like pink butt, and I can't lie!" . . . you get the picture. Who would read that? Perfect for an English as a Second Language class! This last example is actaully a tweet issue instead of a blog, but a follower is a follower. I chick wins a contest to be the only person that Conan "Coco" O'Brien follows on Twitter. This freaking girl suddenly has offers for a designer wedding gown, a new job, some guy wants to send her to college! I have a Twitter account, sigmundfreud102, Coco--tweet me up!!.
I use to pray for a fabulous man, a kicking job and to lose 20 pounds. Then I prayed for a kickin' job and to lose 20 pounds. Now I'd almost trade those 20 pounds for my blog to go virile on the internet. I list my blog on my email accounts. I list them on Facebook. I submit them to stumble on. Help! Could those two people who follow me now brainstorm some kind of "hook" for me. Could you poll your grandmother or your kids? I'm desperate. Maybe I could start a "Save My Blog" fan page!
My problem, if you can sincerely call it a problem, is that I really, really want to blog. I want to commit to an hour a day. I want to make the commitment, devote the time to a positive outlet in my life, and have the discipline to follow through and stick with it. So do I need rules and sturcture for my blog? Should I begin this endeavor with an outline, a diagram, a concept blog? Already I can feel the joy of writing running off the page. Up to this point I have sat down and put fingers to keyboard just pretty much when a topic popped for me. Usually some quirk of mine, tweaked by some unpleasant occurrence. Tony Robbins is whispering in my ear telling me that setting a goal and accomplishing it is going to turn my life around, and believe me when I tell you my life could use a u-turn! So what do I do?
Hear is the rub--I want people to read it. I want followers! Badly, actually. I want them to look for it in the morning like the paper, and chuckle as they go just like I did while I was writing it. I saw a couple on the Today Show (and folks, the more I follow news shows the more it becomes clear to me that it doesn't take a whole lot to get on early morning tv), where the man talks in his sleep. It was more specific than that, but it's been a while and it wasn't all that. The woman would essentially tape the nighttime conversations and re type them in her blog (had a chef boyfriend once who frequently sauteed in his sleep, little did I know I could parlay him into 15 minutes of fame). They had people across the pond and back following her blog! Unfortunately the only thing you would learn from my bedroom at night is that apparently I snore more frequently than I use to. Now that is something I want to blog about!
I saw an episode of House where a blogger related everything she did all day. Sample of my daily blog would be--Went to my first job. Ate more carbs than 3 people needed. Wondered how many carbs I could squeeze in for lunch? Changed clothes in anticipation of my second job of the day, make fashion statement with a t-shirt that reads "I like pink butt, and I can't lie!" . . . you get the picture. Who would read that? Perfect for an English as a Second Language class! This last example is actaully a tweet issue instead of a blog, but a follower is a follower. I chick wins a contest to be the only person that Conan "Coco" O'Brien follows on Twitter. This freaking girl suddenly has offers for a designer wedding gown, a new job, some guy wants to send her to college! I have a Twitter account, sigmundfreud102, Coco--tweet me up!!.
I use to pray for a fabulous man, a kicking job and to lose 20 pounds. Then I prayed for a kickin' job and to lose 20 pounds. Now I'd almost trade those 20 pounds for my blog to go virile on the internet. I list my blog on my email accounts. I list them on Facebook. I submit them to stumble on. Help! Could those two people who follow me now brainstorm some kind of "hook" for me. Could you poll your grandmother or your kids? I'm desperate. Maybe I could start a "Save My Blog" fan page!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Gordon Ramsay Over Cooked?
Is Gordon Ramsay going down in flames? A victim of over exposure to the television gods that made him? Could the next entry in his multi show television deal be poop and scoop on a plate?
I love Hell's Kitchen. I love the flying food shrapnel, I love the trash cans being kicked into space, I love the F&*@ing donkeys! I can't wait to see a contestant cry, I keep score of what I call the curse of the winning challenger (I find a high percentage of contestants get eliminated after winning an individual challenge), and after this season, I love watching what happens in the hot tub! I'm almost as enthralled by Kitchen Nightmares. I sometimes think I enjoy the US versions to the UK, mostly because the chef being beaten down by Gordon usually mumbles making it harder to follow, and the British are polite to the point that they rarely put up anything in close to a fight compared to their American cousins. I've even enjoy the F Word in spurts, and I have a love/hate relationship with format of the series. I like the seasonal brigade challenges, having the customers cast their dollar votes by either paying or not paying for a course prepared by each group of cooks was particularity entertaining and I looked forward to the competition. I hate the regional ingredeint segments, especially when Ramsay snared a cute little puffin, broke it's neck and cooked it--hated it! I like the celebrities ,semi famous Brits I may or may not have heard of, who cook his or her specialty while GR cooks his version and a random (or planted) group of diners vote on the winner--it's amazing how many times Gordon loses (again, staged, I don't know). I hate when he raises animals in his back yard and they he and his children chow down on Wilbur or Nigella, if I had to be reminded at every meal that my food had a face, I would definitely be a vegetarian! And two things I really, really hate--when he has some rancid food, ingredient eating contest with some semi celeb. What does it say about a restaurateur who encourages quests to barf for the cameras, and in his own dining room! And I hate Janet Street-Porter. The woman will drink anything to appear interesting on tv. Breast milk, animal blood, who knows what all else. I'm as dark and brooding as the next goth guy, but she really irritates me. But all in all, it was a peaceful little series where Gordon could glad hand and get the back slapping he's sure he's due.
Now having said all that, the chinks in the Ramsay restaurant empire are not a big secret. Everyone from the BBC to the New York Post have reported on restaurant closings and lawsuit filing. Currently, GR 50% interest in a package of littler known television shows is being sold off for a pretty good chunk of change.
But, I gotten say, I think the man needs to consider playing a little harder to get!! That cook along with the D-list celebrities and you at home, sucked ass!! I was embarrassed for both of us, and Alyson Hannigan! And Master Chef, well, I've never watched American Idol, so maybe I just don't get it! Now that the field has narrowed and you can connect with returning cooks, it becomes perilously close to the HK tried and true format. I suspect that the difference is you can judge for yourself if you believe am entertainer is talented, but we only have our visual impressions and the word of the 3 judges on the contestants signature dish. Soon the dishes and the contestants all begin to look the same.
So is the GR franchise slipping? Are we in the midst of watching Gordon jump the sauteed shark? I've felt a shift in the force!
This season of HK wasn't what I would call spot on! On one hand it was a guilty pleasure to catch two episodes a week, but I think series suffered. Maybe we subconsciously become more invested when we aren't looking ahead to the 2nd episode. I don't know. I only know that I didn't feel the same connection to the chef's that I have in previous seasons. My most consistent complaint of Season Seven is that everything seemed forced and a little tired. The making out with his wife sequence seemed like a desperate attempt to give her some television face time while convincing us that the marriage is fine and the rumors of a mistress and long term adultery are groundless. The mistress is publishing a book next month, I'm not so sure! Everything felt hurried and really edited. Instead of the traditional challenge winning photo shoot, they took pictures of Ben (the makeover couldn't have helped but been an improvement!)!! They didn't even design two dining rooms, although neither did Season Six. The prizes and rewards seemed a little lame, and most importantly, Where The Hell was Chef Ramsey???? He was like the Claude Raines host!! The chef's went alone to their rewards, or they sent JP. What was going on? I kind of felt cheated, imagine how they felt.
And then their are the Hell's Kitchen facts of life. Did you know Season One winner, Michael Wray, wound up with a set of cookware for winning Hell's Kitchen. He's initial prize was head chef,@blah, blah, blah, can't remember the name--but turned it down to work for Ramsay in one of his restaurants in England. He went to England, he returned after a brief visit and didn't take either job--so essentially he did all that for some pots and pans (wow). Last I heard he's attempt at his own restaurant HK One, hit a financial dead end and he teaches cooking. Dave Levey, the one armed bandit of Season Six, did work at Araxi for the Olympics plus 3 months. Dave is my friend on Facebook and he says that the duration of his position was his decision and that he learned a lot--but at the end of the day it was the television exposure, not the actual prize that has boosted Dave's career. Heather West and Christina Machamer seem to have fared the best. Heather returned as Hell's Kitchen's sous chef for Season 6 and Machamer worked for Ramsay's London West Hollywood Hotel for a year and has further expanded her culinary education and produced her own spice line BCBC Blends Spices. I've long felt cheated that the contest is a virtual sham--usually around $250K to accept a glamorous sounding position for the cameras and press, but did you know most of the diners aren't even real. Here's how it goes. 100 people are paid $50 per to possibly be taped entering and leaving Hell's Kitchen for each televised service. He's the catch--only the a small number of those actually get food prepared by the chefs! WTF? The other diners eat take-out ordered in from another restaurant. Then tell me why those guys are having such a hard time with service??
One internet posting slates Season 8 premier for September 22. Dave Levey who was caught on tape with Sous Chef Scott during the Season Seven finale with the cast still on his arm, admits that reality tv isn't live, and that the production schedule between seasons isn't long. This season is rumored the be the series finale. I'm an addict, and even when the crack is crap I gotta have it. So I'm giving HK another season. As for Gordon Ramsay and his other offerings, let's wait and see.
I love Hell's Kitchen. I love the flying food shrapnel, I love the trash cans being kicked into space, I love the F&*@ing donkeys! I can't wait to see a contestant cry, I keep score of what I call the curse of the winning challenger (I find a high percentage of contestants get eliminated after winning an individual challenge), and after this season, I love watching what happens in the hot tub! I'm almost as enthralled by Kitchen Nightmares. I sometimes think I enjoy the US versions to the UK, mostly because the chef being beaten down by Gordon usually mumbles making it harder to follow, and the British are polite to the point that they rarely put up anything in close to a fight compared to their American cousins. I've even enjoy the F Word in spurts, and I have a love/hate relationship with format of the series. I like the seasonal brigade challenges, having the customers cast their dollar votes by either paying or not paying for a course prepared by each group of cooks was particularity entertaining and I looked forward to the competition. I hate the regional ingredeint segments, especially when Ramsay snared a cute little puffin, broke it's neck and cooked it--hated it! I like the celebrities ,semi famous Brits I may or may not have heard of, who cook his or her specialty while GR cooks his version and a random (or planted) group of diners vote on the winner--it's amazing how many times Gordon loses (again, staged, I don't know). I hate when he raises animals in his back yard and they he and his children chow down on Wilbur or Nigella, if I had to be reminded at every meal that my food had a face, I would definitely be a vegetarian! And two things I really, really hate--when he has some rancid food, ingredient eating contest with some semi celeb. What does it say about a restaurateur who encourages quests to barf for the cameras, and in his own dining room! And I hate Janet Street-Porter. The woman will drink anything to appear interesting on tv. Breast milk, animal blood, who knows what all else. I'm as dark and brooding as the next goth guy, but she really irritates me. But all in all, it was a peaceful little series where Gordon could glad hand and get the back slapping he's sure he's due.
Now having said all that, the chinks in the Ramsay restaurant empire are not a big secret. Everyone from the BBC to the New York Post have reported on restaurant closings and lawsuit filing. Currently, GR 50% interest in a package of littler known television shows is being sold off for a pretty good chunk of change.
But, I gotten say, I think the man needs to consider playing a little harder to get!! That cook along with the D-list celebrities and you at home, sucked ass!! I was embarrassed for both of us, and Alyson Hannigan! And Master Chef, well, I've never watched American Idol, so maybe I just don't get it! Now that the field has narrowed and you can connect with returning cooks, it becomes perilously close to the HK tried and true format. I suspect that the difference is you can judge for yourself if you believe am entertainer is talented, but we only have our visual impressions and the word of the 3 judges on the contestants signature dish. Soon the dishes and the contestants all begin to look the same.
So is the GR franchise slipping? Are we in the midst of watching Gordon jump the sauteed shark? I've felt a shift in the force!
This season of HK wasn't what I would call spot on! On one hand it was a guilty pleasure to catch two episodes a week, but I think series suffered. Maybe we subconsciously become more invested when we aren't looking ahead to the 2nd episode. I don't know. I only know that I didn't feel the same connection to the chef's that I have in previous seasons. My most consistent complaint of Season Seven is that everything seemed forced and a little tired. The making out with his wife sequence seemed like a desperate attempt to give her some television face time while convincing us that the marriage is fine and the rumors of a mistress and long term adultery are groundless. The mistress is publishing a book next month, I'm not so sure! Everything felt hurried and really edited. Instead of the traditional challenge winning photo shoot, they took pictures of Ben (the makeover couldn't have helped but been an improvement!)!! They didn't even design two dining rooms, although neither did Season Six. The prizes and rewards seemed a little lame, and most importantly, Where The Hell was Chef Ramsey???? He was like the Claude Raines host!! The chef's went alone to their rewards, or they sent JP. What was going on? I kind of felt cheated, imagine how they felt.
And then their are the Hell's Kitchen facts of life. Did you know Season One winner, Michael Wray, wound up with a set of cookware for winning Hell's Kitchen. He's initial prize was head chef,@blah, blah, blah, can't remember the name--but turned it down to work for Ramsay in one of his restaurants in England. He went to England, he returned after a brief visit and didn't take either job--so essentially he did all that for some pots and pans (wow). Last I heard he's attempt at his own restaurant HK One, hit a financial dead end and he teaches cooking. Dave Levey, the one armed bandit of Season Six, did work at Araxi for the Olympics plus 3 months. Dave is my friend on Facebook and he says that the duration of his position was his decision and that he learned a lot--but at the end of the day it was the television exposure, not the actual prize that has boosted Dave's career. Heather West and Christina Machamer seem to have fared the best. Heather returned as Hell's Kitchen's sous chef for Season 6 and Machamer worked for Ramsay's London West Hollywood Hotel for a year and has further expanded her culinary education and produced her own spice line BCBC Blends Spices. I've long felt cheated that the contest is a virtual sham--usually around $250K to accept a glamorous sounding position for the cameras and press, but did you know most of the diners aren't even real. Here's how it goes. 100 people are paid $50 per to possibly be taped entering and leaving Hell's Kitchen for each televised service. He's the catch--only the a small number of those actually get food prepared by the chefs! WTF? The other diners eat take-out ordered in from another restaurant. Then tell me why those guys are having such a hard time with service??
One internet posting slates Season 8 premier for September 22. Dave Levey who was caught on tape with Sous Chef Scott during the Season Seven finale with the cast still on his arm, admits that reality tv isn't live, and that the production schedule between seasons isn't long. This season is rumored the be the series finale. I'm an addict, and even when the crack is crap I gotta have it. So I'm giving HK another season. As for Gordon Ramsay and his other offerings, let's wait and see.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Girls Gone Wild
Ahh man, I just wrote a whole sarcastic, caustic blog and I lost it before it was saved. All that wit and snipe and I lost it! I know how Michael Douglas' character felt in The Wonder Boys!
Alright, Girls Gone Wild--and there wasn't a beach or a bikini in sight.
I understand that Sarah Palin felt the need to weigh in again on the NY Mosque issue. Guess the President was taking so many shots that it was safe for her to peak up out of her hole and try to get off another round (don't you like the way I managed to keep the hunting metaphor going?). She sent the President her opinion via Twitter. The woman tweeted at the Commander in Chief of the free world! Come on. Have you no shame, or no respect for the office you presumably want to attain? By the way, it is so much classier to write your notes on your hand with a sharpie than to read a teleprompter! Do you want me to send over my opinions on child rearing, birth control, finishing a job?? And we follow you around to have you sign your $28.99 book (Amazon did recently put it in the rock bottom remainders for $19.13), or pay you a big chunk of change to speak! OMG, like we could stop you from speaking!! Please, go home. Mentor one of your children, haven't you heard them screaming for your attention Entertainment Weekly article entitled, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's On Again Off Again Relationship Off Again.
MIchaela Salahi and Sarah Palin are like twin daughters of different mothers. Now imagine Michaele in 10 degree water with hip waders and salmon spawning over her feet. Does Burberry even make hip waders? Prada? She couldn't bear to settle for Ralph Lauren again! Some things Sarah and Michaele have in common you ask?
Then we have Catherine Ommanney. More than Girl Gone Wild we have Boorish Brit Bashes Housewives. She makes Michaela seem sympathetic. I thought her husband seemed oddly one dimensional, now I realize he was another domestic prop. Hope her children are real! And the Aunt Francis fiasco. Who didn't want to pinch her cheeks and have a biscuit loaded with saturated (hopefully unused) fat of some kind? I can just see Michaele working up some tears while inventing, I am recounting a childhood experience, say maybe in her own nanny's kitchen. Translated, Michaele has a vision of her childhood and shutters at the memory of not even having a housekeeper growing, all the while her parents sat her down and forced her to consume carbohydrates. Michaele overcome by tear at the memory mumbles an excuse into her napkin as she jets to the ladies to get rid of anything she accidentally swallowed.
Still, even if forced to be phony, I believe Michaele would have convinced even the most causal observer that she fit right into Green Acres. Cat on the other hand, is just an odious human being with little or no redeeming qualities. Are there any housewives left for her to offend. Is she going to be the first housewife voted off the plaza, even with two immunity idols and vintage chardonnay?
Alright, Girls Gone Wild--and there wasn't a beach or a bikini in sight.
I understand that Sarah Palin felt the need to weigh in again on the NY Mosque issue. Guess the President was taking so many shots that it was safe for her to peak up out of her hole and try to get off another round (don't you like the way I managed to keep the hunting metaphor going?). She sent the President her opinion via Twitter. The woman tweeted at the Commander in Chief of the free world! Come on. Have you no shame, or no respect for the office you presumably want to attain? By the way, it is so much classier to write your notes on your hand with a sharpie than to read a teleprompter! Do you want me to send over my opinions on child rearing, birth control, finishing a job?? And we follow you around to have you sign your $28.99 book (Amazon did recently put it in the rock bottom remainders for $19.13), or pay you a big chunk of change to speak! OMG, like we could stop you from speaking!! Please, go home. Mentor one of your children, haven't you heard them screaming for your attention Entertainment Weekly article entitled, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's On Again Off Again Relationship Off Again.
MIchaela Salahi and Sarah Palin are like twin daughters of different mothers. Now imagine Michaele in 10 degree water with hip waders and salmon spawning over her feet. Does Burberry even make hip waders? Prada? She couldn't bear to settle for Ralph Lauren again! Some things Sarah and Michaele have in common you ask?
- Both are considered more for their looks than for their content.
- Both believe there is no such thing as bad press.
- Neither their ambition or their balls have any limits.
- Neither one is going to show up unless they get paid.
Then we have Catherine Ommanney. More than Girl Gone Wild we have Boorish Brit Bashes Housewives. She makes Michaela seem sympathetic. I thought her husband seemed oddly one dimensional, now I realize he was another domestic prop. Hope her children are real! And the Aunt Francis fiasco. Who didn't want to pinch her cheeks and have a biscuit loaded with saturated (hopefully unused) fat of some kind? I can just see Michaele working up some tears while inventing, I am recounting a childhood experience, say maybe in her own nanny's kitchen. Translated, Michaele has a vision of her childhood and shutters at the memory of not even having a housekeeper growing, all the while her parents sat her down and forced her to consume carbohydrates. Michaele overcome by tear at the memory mumbles an excuse into her napkin as she jets to the ladies to get rid of anything she accidentally swallowed.
Still, even if forced to be phony, I believe Michaele would have convinced even the most causal observer that she fit right into Green Acres. Cat on the other hand, is just an odious human being with little or no redeeming qualities. Are there any housewives left for her to offend. Is she going to be the first housewife voted off the plaza, even with two immunity idols and vintage chardonnay?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
new job, eclipse, larry king, elin woods, zeus
Ok, so i only added eclipse, larry king and elin woods to accidentally get people to read my blog--but . . . i saw twilight, and it was another one of those long trains going no where. i love a good midnight show with lines around the block and idiots in their pajamas as much as the next person, but lets save it for luke warm harry potter movies, shall we? larry king, hoda and kathy lee say larry has the best lighting in television--i hate to say this, but we all saw them without make-up and understand what good lighting means to them, everyone else--larry is king of scary. all head and teeth and suspenders. and elin. No one, certainly not i, wants to take away from the pain of infidelity, especially infidelity in the public spotlight. especially infidelity in the public spotlight with tpt masquerading as skanks, frequently playing with your husband and his toys in close proximity to where you live and sleep! but what incentives to woman have to pretend to stand by their men when the payoff is 750 million and the whole world knows you've told him and his sorry sex addicted, rehab faking, whore mongering ass to piss off? if elin were getting 7 million instead she might do what hollywood and the european royals did for years--faux cohabitation. being seen out and about with the children, making appropriate sound bites for the media, and providing photo ops with the hubby just often enough to dispel rumors while the cuckolded wife lives in the manor to which she has become accustomed, while carrying on discreet affairs of her own.
my real blog today is about my job. a couple months ago when i scored this gig over the other 190 so people who applied, i felt like my warren zevon bad luck streak in dancing school might well be over. but here i am. making $10 per a 30 hour week while my boss pulls in $60 per 40 hours. not only does the possibility of a increase in pay and hours seem to get further away with every passing day, my company accidentally had to give me holiday pay--so they re wrote the company handbook so they can take it away. worst, worst of all, if such a thing can be said to be possible--i have done nothing, nothing in the way of work this entire week. and it's thursday. if the days were 8 hours long i would just suffer for that much longer. anybody out there have a job for a high iq'ed under achiever who believes they are an over achiever?? help!! my ass is tired, and i'm forced to work a second job i hate even more. on the plus side. i'm paid for my new job search.
last to my beloved boxer zeus. the tears come to my eyes even as i type. sigmund and i miss you as much today as we did the day you died. i will never, ever love another dog as much as i loved you. you were truly a cherished member of our family.
follow me on twitter
sigmundfreud102
my real blog today is about my job. a couple months ago when i scored this gig over the other 190 so people who applied, i felt like my warren zevon bad luck streak in dancing school might well be over. but here i am. making $10 per a 30 hour week while my boss pulls in $60 per 40 hours. not only does the possibility of a increase in pay and hours seem to get further away with every passing day, my company accidentally had to give me holiday pay--so they re wrote the company handbook so they can take it away. worst, worst of all, if such a thing can be said to be possible--i have done nothing, nothing in the way of work this entire week. and it's thursday. if the days were 8 hours long i would just suffer for that much longer. anybody out there have a job for a high iq'ed under achiever who believes they are an over achiever?? help!! my ass is tired, and i'm forced to work a second job i hate even more. on the plus side. i'm paid for my new job search.
last to my beloved boxer zeus. the tears come to my eyes even as i type. sigmund and i miss you as much today as we did the day you died. i will never, ever love another dog as much as i loved you. you were truly a cherished member of our family.
follow me on twitter
sigmundfreud102
Thursday, April 1, 2010
alice's tea party, or how do i get people to read my blog?
I don't need to be the one blog coco follows and thousands of people instantly read my blog. it goes viral, people offer me jobs and want to pay my mortgage. but a few people would be nice! i'm funny. i actually write well and am interesting. i picked a catchy title with current references that could be easily picked up by various search engines--even if half of it has nothing to do with the blog! now i'm laughing. this is an exercise for myself, but come on, couldn't some freak that does nothing but read blogs all day trip over it and at least look like someone else read. one how to article said to pick a host that had blocks for slammers who would rampantly and repeatedly trash your blog. bring them on!!! slam me, just read me!!!
in a world where andy warhols kitty cat could get 15 minutes of fame, what am i doing wrong?? i'm not kidding. the today show ran a couple who were 30, had triplets on the 30th, of the 3rd month of the year. that's all it took to get a spot on national televison. a middle aged woman with stuns the planet because simon cowell gave her a raised eyebrow. another british woman shows you how to apply too much eye makeup on the internet and now that her video has more hits than the presidents, she has her own makeup line. and again on the hard nut to crack today show, the woman who repeats her husbands every sleeping phrase had a segment. and he is british. do i smell a theme? a common denominator? do i need to type wanker and loo, bloody useless blog??
i want to blog for an hour a day, every day. i don't want to update it hourly like the sick chick on house that recorded her and her boyfriends every bowel movement. i'd like to relate funny stories about my family and friends, but not just that. i have tons of thoughts and ideas and theories in my head. and no one to share them with. everyone thinks their life could be a reality show. my friends think my life should be a reality show. and i want to rant, but not necessarily about them. i want to rant about movies, and television and people in the news. i want to warn johnny depp's baby momma not to let him make that movie with angelina jolie. trust me, not good will come of it!! i want to make fun of what sarah palin said today. i want to write about trends in fashion that are ridiculous, or on slow days i want to compare jane austin to virginia woolf--that would be anne hathway to nicole kidman to those not really in the know.
i live in the boonies. outside the beltway, but edging toward west virginia. the locals smoke cigarettes and go to the 7-eleven in their sweat pants and bedroom slippers to buy their scratch off lottery tickets. they think the reformation is something on this old house and martin luther was killed in the '60's. in my college psychology glass only the prof and i had seen schindler's list, but almost everyone had seen ace ventura pet detective. nobody liked monk but most of the woman i work with watch house. i love them so i'll wait and rant about them later. but you see where i'm going with this?
please read my blog. please read my blog and than post things to tell me how to get people to read my blog. slam me. make fun of me. i want to write a snappy blog that gets scooped up by snazzy publisher and turned into a cute little chick lit book, so i can be on the today show.
in a world where andy warhols kitty cat could get 15 minutes of fame, what am i doing wrong?? i'm not kidding. the today show ran a couple who were 30, had triplets on the 30th, of the 3rd month of the year. that's all it took to get a spot on national televison. a middle aged woman with stuns the planet because simon cowell gave her a raised eyebrow. another british woman shows you how to apply too much eye makeup on the internet and now that her video has more hits than the presidents, she has her own makeup line. and again on the hard nut to crack today show, the woman who repeats her husbands every sleeping phrase had a segment. and he is british. do i smell a theme? a common denominator? do i need to type wanker and loo, bloody useless blog??
i want to blog for an hour a day, every day. i don't want to update it hourly like the sick chick on house that recorded her and her boyfriends every bowel movement. i'd like to relate funny stories about my family and friends, but not just that. i have tons of thoughts and ideas and theories in my head. and no one to share them with. everyone thinks their life could be a reality show. my friends think my life should be a reality show. and i want to rant, but not necessarily about them. i want to rant about movies, and television and people in the news. i want to warn johnny depp's baby momma not to let him make that movie with angelina jolie. trust me, not good will come of it!! i want to make fun of what sarah palin said today. i want to write about trends in fashion that are ridiculous, or on slow days i want to compare jane austin to virginia woolf--that would be anne hathway to nicole kidman to those not really in the know.
i live in the boonies. outside the beltway, but edging toward west virginia. the locals smoke cigarettes and go to the 7-eleven in their sweat pants and bedroom slippers to buy their scratch off lottery tickets. they think the reformation is something on this old house and martin luther was killed in the '60's. in my college psychology glass only the prof and i had seen schindler's list, but almost everyone had seen ace ventura pet detective. nobody liked monk but most of the woman i work with watch house. i love them so i'll wait and rant about them later. but you see where i'm going with this?
please read my blog. please read my blog and than post things to tell me how to get people to read my blog. slam me. make fun of me. i want to write a snappy blog that gets scooped up by snazzy publisher and turned into a cute little chick lit book, so i can be on the today show.
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