DENIED

Brave New World my ass!! It is a scary place out there, on many, many levels! And I get that. I don't have children but I am very sensitive to cyber safety, especially with children, but really for us all. Still, when Facebook will not even let me send a friends request, I am both aghast and amused. Again.

As one or two fearless readers might have suspected, I am a Gordon Ramsey junkie. I've made risotto and Wellilngton to Chef Ramsay exacting standards. I watched him change his shirt so many times I'm more familiar with his chest hair than my partners (and why do the cameras follow him for wardrobe change???). At my house we dvr, inspect and dissect all things Gordon Ramsay. So when my Facebook friend Hell's Kitchen sent me a post last night announcing the new Season 8 chefs I got right on my droid and starting asking the chefs to be my new friends! Now, shortly all the chefs will have "official" Hell's Kitchen chef coat shots and Facebook pages, but while I might be a groupie, nobody wants to look like one (let's see, bandaid is already taken, would kitchen aid be copyright infringement?), so I like to get my requests in early and beat the rush!

Side Note Here--for any one (the number for followers I currently have), who hasn't worked a few years in a kitchen let me give you the 411 on restaurant groupies. Maybe they aren't riding the tour bus with the roadies to get to Mick, or holding anyone hostage because they are their Number 1 fan, but they are strange and undeniably creepy. What makes them so creepy? They aren't trying to sleep with the band. They aren't 6-degrees separated from anyone famous. They aren't even trying to rub elbows with celebrities, celebrity wanna be's, reality stars (or party crashers)--they are gratified by personal contact with the people who cook their food!!! You see many different degrees of restaurant groupies. The businessman that wants the waiters name so he monopolize their time, but in reality he just needs to make a lasting impression (this will be the same guy on an upcoming segment of Kitchen Nightmares who bought the restaurant because he believes he orders well and what else do you need to know?) The people who need to be greeted by the owners, fawned over, special faire and introductions for all their friends. Let me tell you, it is no coincidence that the host/maitre'd is frequently a man with an air of over confidence (over compensating for his inadequacies) and an eye for the ladies (or men), because in some alien restaurant hierarchy, you are the rock star. I know, go figure. It reminds me of the look on a 5-year old niece's face when I told her paper grew on trees. I've known groupies that have hosted the restaurant's Christmas Party, hired the chef to drop by the house and whip up a little something for their friends, and they all offer to play host or hostess for free--again, because what do you really need to know to successfully run the floor of a restaurant?

Now, we have taken that groupie experience to a whole new level!! We have combined that sick and sordid need for personal interaction with the people peeling our shrimp and tossed in more than a dash of pseudo celebrity. I myself have felt my heart race just a little at the realization that I was having an actual, virtual conversation with Season Six winner Dave Levey about dating and woman. I badly wanted some other obsessed fan of reality tv to touch me! So I share these experiences with my mate, let's call him Bart, because that's a joke and believe me more than anything he wants to remain anonymous! Bart doesn't get it, he never wants to get it, and he hopes he never has to have it. He calls it sucking face with my phone , he resents the intrusion, and he'd like me to go do a chore instead. Now you know why I've taken up blogging.

So as I am very excitedly adding new chefs to my fold, not one but two of the friends request came back something like, "you don't know these people, so quit trying to access them you Facebook Freek!" "Oh yeah, and if you think you have reached this message in error, so what!" Now on or soon after September 22, 2010, there are going to be two Hell's Kitchen contestants making the dog and pony show personal appearance tour from restaurant to restaurant trying to dredge up customers for viewing parties during the approximate 14 weeks the series airs, that will never be able to send me an invite!! Example--Chef contestants Salvatore Coppola, Jason "Jay" Santos, and Ed Battaglia attend a "Hell's Kitchen" finale viewing party at Gargoyle's on the Square in Somerville.

Ladies, you had your chance--and you and Facebook blew it!! I'm a great friend. I watch your show religiously. I make you seem popular by leaving comments on your posts. I even send you conciliatory messages after you get booted off the show like a freaking donkey! Unfortunately for you two, I will be doing that for Gail Novenario and Russel Kook, who had the good sense to accept me as their friends right away, instead of you. DENIED!