I've Been Through Hell: The Elin Nordegren Story

I just don't like Elin Nordegren. I don't really even know why. She actually seems relatively normal. Baseball cap and little makeup, I don't think I have ever seen a glamour shot besides the one in that awful gold dress with the fringe between her boobs! Ok, here it is, I think she exudes a sort of self-absorbed, stand offishness that comes across even in photographs.

More to the point I saw Sandra Sobieraj Westfall, a reporter for People magazine that wrote this weeks cover story on Nordegren, this morning on the Today Show. Sandra seems to be of the opinion that her subject is something akin to a concentration camp survivor or cancer patient, at the very least. She actually said, while closing her eyes and shaking her head, "that she cannot even imagine the crucible Elin has been in." Does a multi-million dollar mansion in Juniper, Fla really qualify as a cruicble??

Look don't get me wrong, having a partner be unfaithful to you is wicked painful, and extremely humiliating. My boyfriend and I broke up after 8 years and I lived with a girlfriend for almost a month, I really needed to break the cycle and the routine of my life with him, and being in the same house was mind bogglingly unbearable. And I am certainly not without sympathy or empathy for someone who has to experience that in a very public way. But come on! Your husband might discreetly have a tryst with one woman and get away with it for little while if he were so inclined, but you want me or anyone else to believe that your husband was playing slap and tickle with enough women to staff a Hooters and you didn't notice? I'm sorry, I just don't think so, and I would have a lot more respect for you if you just said, "Hey, I liked my life and as long as he tried to hide them I looked the other way, and it's really none of anyone's freaking business anyway!" It isn't any of my freaking business until you give me some ridiculous excuse because you played dumb, I need to play dumb. Nope, not me.

More about this interview with People and the Today Show piece. Michael Inbar of Todayshow.com described Westfall's work as a probing 19-hour interview. Probing? Ann Curry made the 19 hour interview over 4 days seem like a prison sentence. For Lindsay Lohan maybe, it's more like a Michaele hair extension appointment. I am so ashamed. I love this crap, I really do. I had the first issue of People magazine with Mia Farrow on the cover, I'm not referring to that as a trophy or anything, just an example of how I have always been into reading about the currently famous. As Penny Lane would say, Famous People are just more interesting that regular people! But I am giving them up, once and for all! This article is the straw that broke my back, but it's been coming for a long time.

I gave up my subscription during another epiphanous People moment a few years ago and now I can rarely justify the expense at $5 a pop. I usually can only bring myself to buy them when I have a coupon now (God I'm old!). I have years of experience in several fields but I can't find a single job that pays me enough to even live, so I have to work two jobs, 60 hours and 7 days a week--but People magazine paid Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt $19 million for a first picture of their kids--I don't have the words to express the absurdity of the system that we perpetrate for the privileged, but I no longer want to precipitate it. Finally, the magazine is now a ghost of it's former self. It is mildly amusing that the staff takes itself and what it does so seriously, but while People has always been know for articles that could be consumed and completed during the average crap (Thank You, Jeff Goldblum), now that don't even include many of those. Even in it's current whittled down size, most of the magazine is made up of advertising and photographs with silly captions. In place of actual words or content, they fill up 2-3 pages with famous people doing similar activities and call it day.

Alright, I'm Officially off the fan mag, literally and figuratively, and we need to get back to Tiger and Elin. (Note, a frequent suggestion on how to get people to read a blog, "Take A Controversial Position", this isn't much but I'm going for it!) Ann Curry asked Westfall her main 'take away's from her probing Nordegren--she didn't hit Tiger. Again, sorry, never believed it! My husband has just hit two stationary structures between our place and the neighbors and my first thought was to run in and fetch a $5000 golf club to beat in his expensive SUV? What about the spare key fob and just unlocking the damn door? Nope, don't think so. And so what!! Every woman on the planet secretly believes you should have beaten him with his own club, girlfriend! I'm certain it still must be politically incorrect to admit it, but we do!! It's like the 'I didn't know my husband was cheating' lie, it makes you seem very blond and very dumb!! There is little or no plausible explanation for why you would attempt to free him with a golf club. I appreciate that once you've told a lie you feel obligated to stay with it--but get a grip. You aren't Bill Clinton trying to avoid Monica Lewinski. Just tell us you were trying to protect your husband's image so you would come out better in the divorce settlement!

Sandy--re watch your interview before you go on GMA or Oprah! If Elin admits she received more than $100 million, but didn't give you any details of her financial settlement (as I'm sure Tiger's legal team is watching breathlessly!) how do you know she didn't get any thing near as much as $750 million? You actually shook your head to emphasize how ridiculous the whole idea was. Tiger Wood was a brand! The first athlete to break the million dollar glass ceiling. Elin's legal team (including a reported cousin she got on the payroll) didn't care that Tiger was already down a shitload of change paying those hotchies off every month. She could have very easily gotten $750 to keep her head down and her mouth shut! Another insult to our intelligence.

And lastly, and perhaps most interestingly, Elin wants us to know she 'had a real marriage.' Wow. The whole marriage was a sham? I never questioned it before now, but since the entire Today Show interview has proven to be a to do list for Nordegren's publicist, what the heck is going on?? Did Tiger really just marry because kids are great props and Elin was the most promising candidate? Was that the understanding or was she duped like the rest of us? Did he ever honestly try to repair the marriage or was it all just media spin for his sponsors? I suddenly feel like Carrie Bradshaw, all I need now is my trusty Apple laptop and a Marlboro!

I don't know. None of this makes any difference in the real world, but where is that real world? It feels finally finished to me, and were there really any losers? Tiger can finally focus on golf, something he apparently needs badly, not to mention he is free to stuff hundred into garters with both hands now! Elin can eat, drink and be merry now with all her hard earned cash. No more weight loss or hair loss. Most importantly as the story goes, she doesn't have to worry about getting a job right away so she can stay home with the kids! And People magazine is a must buy, because Nordegren is never going to be talking about this again. And I was going to complain about Lindsay getting out of rehab today!!