I WANT TO HAVE MY KICKS BEFORE THE WHOLE SHITHOUSE GOES UP IN FLAMES. Actually quoted from Jim Morrison, but my sentiments exactly! It obviously isn't a new quote (since Jim has been dead or in hiding since 1971), probably between '68-70, and I personally have been using parts of it since at least the '80's, but here is the thing-I couldn't bolster the balls to paste it on my Facebook page! I've finally reached the AGE of reason, or fear or absurdity, that may be something akin to maturity. I don't know but it certainly suck!
I could have almost posted it if I'd chosen to give Jim credit. The people who don't know who said it think your bad ass or punk or God forbid emo or something. The people who do know who said it (and these are the people I really wanted to post it for) think you still have it, because you can still use it. But the reason I didn't post it, and the reason I fear I'm tumbling headlong in to the abyss of mindless old age, is the people who wouldn't care and would never get! And I'm not bubble head barbie posting any and every random thought, phrase or misdemeanor on my Facebook page for future steps to my success (or continued failure) to read! Next thing you know I will have to ditch my Facebook account altogether because really successful employers don't want me to have one and 10 people will be following my blog and I'll have to begin writing it under an assumed name to protect myself and my imposed innocence!!
I'm perched on a parapet reading my own postcards from the edge, wondering which road to take now that I'm five miles of bad road past the fork in the road. And more importantly--who will carry on. If I give up my struggle against the tide, how long before we spawn generations that have never even heard of Jim Morrison? I work with kids, and it's a constant source of frustration and surprise. The only way I could explain the Who when they played last year's Superbowl was that one or more of them had seen an episode of CSI! Not one of them has ever seen Mickey Rouke when he was dirty but pretty. I cannot even contemplate how to introduce them to Billy Jack or Alice's Restaurant, any right of passage in my family, although Chelsey is a God fearing friend to Sarah Palin, so now that Arlo is a Republican, he might get her vote.
I want to get my kicks before the whole shit house goes up in flames--but have I waited too long already?? Do you see what those kids post on their pages? Those are song lyrics? Give me a break! I read that crap and I think who's hillybilly hip hop got too close to the pop princess gene pool with no lifeguard and this is what came out of that gorilla love-in? What happened to parity people?? I've watched Jersey Shore, I don't care to keep up with the Kardashian's but I know who they are. 10 plastic surgeries in one day, Bristol dancing, Levi running, or running away. But, here is the true crime of an internet age, too many entertainment outlets or distractions, so no exposure to true old school, back in the day (I soo, soo, soo hate that phrase) anything. When 20 channels was all you could get you saw a real movie, in black and white, low definition, in all it's chain smoking spender! The Picture of Dorian Gray, I love George Sanders. Have you ever tried to explain George Sanders to anyone under 35? First I have to define rogue. And eventually we get around to Jungle Book, and you can almost see a light bulb go off. They have no more idea of George Sanders than they do Colonel Sanders, and few of them even know who he is! Here's my absolute favorite--I wanted to be amusing and express BEWARE to Amber, so I text her "Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!" When it requires 15 minutes of explanation, it is no longer funny!
Ok, I wrote a little more. Thank you to Deborah who noticed I hadn't written anything since last week. You know what they say, "Be careful what you wish for!!"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I've Been Through Hell: The Elin Nordegren Story
I just don't like Elin Nordegren. I don't really even know why. She actually seems relatively normal. Baseball cap and little makeup, I don't think I have ever seen a glamour shot besides the one in that awful gold dress with the fringe between her boobs! Ok, here it is, I think she exudes a sort of self-absorbed, stand offishness that comes across even in photographs.
More to the point I saw Sandra Sobieraj Westfall, a reporter for People magazine that wrote this weeks cover story on Nordegren, this morning on the Today Show. Sandra seems to be of the opinion that her subject is something akin to a concentration camp survivor or cancer patient, at the very least. She actually said, while closing her eyes and shaking her head, "that she cannot even imagine the crucible Elin has been in." Does a multi-million dollar mansion in Juniper, Fla really qualify as a cruicble??
Look don't get me wrong, having a partner be unfaithful to you is wicked painful, and extremely humiliating. My boyfriend and I broke up after 8 years and I lived with a girlfriend for almost a month, I really needed to break the cycle and the routine of my life with him, and being in the same house was mind bogglingly unbearable. And I am certainly not without sympathy or empathy for someone who has to experience that in a very public way. But come on! Your husband might discreetly have a tryst with one woman and get away with it for little while if he were so inclined, but you want me or anyone else to believe that your husband was playing slap and tickle with enough women to staff a Hooters and you didn't notice? I'm sorry, I just don't think so, and I would have a lot more respect for you if you just said, "Hey, I liked my life and as long as he tried to hide them I looked the other way, and it's really none of anyone's freaking business anyway!" It isn't any of my freaking business until you give me some ridiculous excuse because you played dumb, I need to play dumb. Nope, not me.
More about this interview with People and the Today Show piece. Michael Inbar of Todayshow.com described Westfall's work as a probing 19-hour interview. Probing? Ann Curry made the 19 hour interview over 4 days seem like a prison sentence. For Lindsay Lohan maybe, it's more like a Michaele hair extension appointment. I am so ashamed. I love this crap, I really do. I had the first issue of People magazine with Mia Farrow on the cover, I'm not referring to that as a trophy or anything, just an example of how I have always been into reading about the currently famous. As Penny Lane would say, Famous People are just more interesting that regular people! But I am giving them up, once and for all! This article is the straw that broke my back, but it's been coming for a long time.
I gave up my subscription during another epiphanous People moment a few years ago and now I can rarely justify the expense at $5 a pop. I usually can only bring myself to buy them when I have a coupon now (God I'm old!). I have years of experience in several fields but I can't find a single job that pays me enough to even live, so I have to work two jobs, 60 hours and 7 days a week--but People magazine paid Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt $19 million for a first picture of their kids--I don't have the words to express the absurdity of the system that we perpetrate for the privileged, but I no longer want to precipitate it. Finally, the magazine is now a ghost of it's former self. It is mildly amusing that the staff takes itself and what it does so seriously, but while People has always been know for articles that could be consumed and completed during the average crap (Thank You, Jeff Goldblum), now that don't even include many of those. Even in it's current whittled down size, most of the magazine is made up of advertising and photographs with silly captions. In place of actual words or content, they fill up 2-3 pages with famous people doing similar activities and call it day.
Alright, I'm Officially off the fan mag, literally and figuratively, and we need to get back to Tiger and Elin. (Note, a frequent suggestion on how to get people to read a blog, "Take A Controversial Position", this isn't much but I'm going for it!) Ann Curry asked Westfall her main 'take away's from her probing Nordegren--she didn't hit Tiger. Again, sorry, never believed it! My husband has just hit two stationary structures between our place and the neighbors and my first thought was to run in and fetch a $5000 golf club to beat in his expensive SUV? What about the spare key fob and just unlocking the damn door? Nope, don't think so. And so what!! Every woman on the planet secretly believes you should have beaten him with his own club, girlfriend! I'm certain it still must be politically incorrect to admit it, but we do!! It's like the 'I didn't know my husband was cheating' lie, it makes you seem very blond and very dumb!! There is little or no plausible explanation for why you would attempt to free him with a golf club. I appreciate that once you've told a lie you feel obligated to stay with it--but get a grip. You aren't Bill Clinton trying to avoid Monica Lewinski. Just tell us you were trying to protect your husband's image so you would come out better in the divorce settlement!
Sandy--re watch your interview before you go on GMA or Oprah! If Elin admits she received more than $100 million, but didn't give you any details of her financial settlement (as I'm sure Tiger's legal team is watching breathlessly!) how do you know she didn't get any thing near as much as $750 million? You actually shook your head to emphasize how ridiculous the whole idea was. Tiger Wood was a brand! The first athlete to break the million dollar glass ceiling. Elin's legal team (including a reported cousin she got on the payroll) didn't care that Tiger was already down a shitload of change paying those hotchies off every month. She could have very easily gotten $750 to keep her head down and her mouth shut! Another insult to our intelligence.
And lastly, and perhaps most interestingly, Elin wants us to know she 'had a real marriage.' Wow. The whole marriage was a sham? I never questioned it before now, but since the entire Today Show interview has proven to be a to do list for Nordegren's publicist, what the heck is going on?? Did Tiger really just marry because kids are great props and Elin was the most promising candidate? Was that the understanding or was she duped like the rest of us? Did he ever honestly try to repair the marriage or was it all just media spin for his sponsors? I suddenly feel like Carrie Bradshaw, all I need now is my trusty Apple laptop and a Marlboro!
I don't know. None of this makes any difference in the real world, but where is that real world? It feels finally finished to me, and were there really any losers? Tiger can finally focus on golf, something he apparently needs badly, not to mention he is free to stuff hundred into garters with both hands now! Elin can eat, drink and be merry now with all her hard earned cash. No more weight loss or hair loss. Most importantly as the story goes, she doesn't have to worry about getting a job right away so she can stay home with the kids! And People magazine is a must buy, because Nordegren is never going to be talking about this again. And I was going to complain about Lindsay getting out of rehab today!!
More to the point I saw Sandra Sobieraj Westfall, a reporter for People magazine that wrote this weeks cover story on Nordegren, this morning on the Today Show. Sandra seems to be of the opinion that her subject is something akin to a concentration camp survivor or cancer patient, at the very least. She actually said, while closing her eyes and shaking her head, "that she cannot even imagine the crucible Elin has been in." Does a multi-million dollar mansion in Juniper, Fla really qualify as a cruicble??
Look don't get me wrong, having a partner be unfaithful to you is wicked painful, and extremely humiliating. My boyfriend and I broke up after 8 years and I lived with a girlfriend for almost a month, I really needed to break the cycle and the routine of my life with him, and being in the same house was mind bogglingly unbearable. And I am certainly not without sympathy or empathy for someone who has to experience that in a very public way. But come on! Your husband might discreetly have a tryst with one woman and get away with it for little while if he were so inclined, but you want me or anyone else to believe that your husband was playing slap and tickle with enough women to staff a Hooters and you didn't notice? I'm sorry, I just don't think so, and I would have a lot more respect for you if you just said, "Hey, I liked my life and as long as he tried to hide them I looked the other way, and it's really none of anyone's freaking business anyway!" It isn't any of my freaking business until you give me some ridiculous excuse because you played dumb, I need to play dumb. Nope, not me.
More about this interview with People and the Today Show piece. Michael Inbar of Todayshow.com described Westfall's work as a probing 19-hour interview. Probing? Ann Curry made the 19 hour interview over 4 days seem like a prison sentence. For Lindsay Lohan maybe, it's more like a Michaele hair extension appointment. I am so ashamed. I love this crap, I really do. I had the first issue of People magazine with Mia Farrow on the cover, I'm not referring to that as a trophy or anything, just an example of how I have always been into reading about the currently famous. As Penny Lane would say, Famous People are just more interesting that regular people! But I am giving them up, once and for all! This article is the straw that broke my back, but it's been coming for a long time.
I gave up my subscription during another epiphanous People moment a few years ago and now I can rarely justify the expense at $5 a pop. I usually can only bring myself to buy them when I have a coupon now (God I'm old!). I have years of experience in several fields but I can't find a single job that pays me enough to even live, so I have to work two jobs, 60 hours and 7 days a week--but People magazine paid Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt $19 million for a first picture of their kids--I don't have the words to express the absurdity of the system that we perpetrate for the privileged, but I no longer want to precipitate it. Finally, the magazine is now a ghost of it's former self. It is mildly amusing that the staff takes itself and what it does so seriously, but while People has always been know for articles that could be consumed and completed during the average crap (Thank You, Jeff Goldblum), now that don't even include many of those. Even in it's current whittled down size, most of the magazine is made up of advertising and photographs with silly captions. In place of actual words or content, they fill up 2-3 pages with famous people doing similar activities and call it day.
Alright, I'm Officially off the fan mag, literally and figuratively, and we need to get back to Tiger and Elin. (Note, a frequent suggestion on how to get people to read a blog, "Take A Controversial Position", this isn't much but I'm going for it!) Ann Curry asked Westfall her main 'take away's from her probing Nordegren--she didn't hit Tiger. Again, sorry, never believed it! My husband has just hit two stationary structures between our place and the neighbors and my first thought was to run in and fetch a $5000 golf club to beat in his expensive SUV? What about the spare key fob and just unlocking the damn door? Nope, don't think so. And so what!! Every woman on the planet secretly believes you should have beaten him with his own club, girlfriend! I'm certain it still must be politically incorrect to admit it, but we do!! It's like the 'I didn't know my husband was cheating' lie, it makes you seem very blond and very dumb!! There is little or no plausible explanation for why you would attempt to free him with a golf club. I appreciate that once you've told a lie you feel obligated to stay with it--but get a grip. You aren't Bill Clinton trying to avoid Monica Lewinski. Just tell us you were trying to protect your husband's image so you would come out better in the divorce settlement!
Sandy--re watch your interview before you go on GMA or Oprah! If Elin admits she received more than $100 million, but didn't give you any details of her financial settlement (as I'm sure Tiger's legal team is watching breathlessly!) how do you know she didn't get any thing near as much as $750 million? You actually shook your head to emphasize how ridiculous the whole idea was. Tiger Wood was a brand! The first athlete to break the million dollar glass ceiling. Elin's legal team (including a reported cousin she got on the payroll) didn't care that Tiger was already down a shitload of change paying those hotchies off every month. She could have very easily gotten $750 to keep her head down and her mouth shut! Another insult to our intelligence.
And lastly, and perhaps most interestingly, Elin wants us to know she 'had a real marriage.' Wow. The whole marriage was a sham? I never questioned it before now, but since the entire Today Show interview has proven to be a to do list for Nordegren's publicist, what the heck is going on?? Did Tiger really just marry because kids are great props and Elin was the most promising candidate? Was that the understanding or was she duped like the rest of us? Did he ever honestly try to repair the marriage or was it all just media spin for his sponsors? I suddenly feel like Carrie Bradshaw, all I need now is my trusty Apple laptop and a Marlboro!
I don't know. None of this makes any difference in the real world, but where is that real world? It feels finally finished to me, and were there really any losers? Tiger can finally focus on golf, something he apparently needs badly, not to mention he is free to stuff hundred into garters with both hands now! Elin can eat, drink and be merry now with all her hard earned cash. No more weight loss or hair loss. Most importantly as the story goes, she doesn't have to worry about getting a job right away so she can stay home with the kids! And People magazine is a must buy, because Nordegren is never going to be talking about this again. And I was going to complain about Lindsay getting out of rehab today!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
An Ode to Danielle
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
An Ode to Danielle
I am far from a Housewives of New Jersey expert. As a matter of fact I have watched maybe half a dozen episodes, maybe a little less (you got a stack on Hulu or On Demand, it is just hard to keep track). She doesn't seem like a brain truss, but she doesn't seem like the devil incarnate either. That ex-con she's using as an idiot body guard is a little disturbing, even to her I think, but how evil can you be when you turn out to be just a big ole 'fraidy cat??
Here is all I'm saying, she is attractive in a botoxed, injectable New Jersey sort of way. She's over tanned and under weight, perfect for the part. All she really does is show up, repositions her hair until one of the other women work themselves up into a throw down, and then she just cries and drools in the bushes or a Bentley and waits for her favorite officers working the local beat to arrive. She honestly causes less trouble than the others. Am I wrong?
Is hoping to send the Housewife in training to prison a little harsh--sure. Do we really think any judge in the state has missed that episode and is going to send the kid to jail?? I think a little trash pickup off the ramp of her exit might be warranted though. Not everyone is on a reality show so you have to learn that it isn't appropriate to pull someones extensions out their heads just because you see a camera and some strong lights. I know a lot of woman who are a pain in my ass but I never tried to pull their hair out by the roots. I do live in Front Royal, and I have known a couple woman who have done that, but hey, they didn't go to jail either!
Villains have become such an important aspect of reality tv that the new Housewives have two.
DENIED
Brave New World my ass!! It is a scary place out there, on many, many levels! And I get that. I don't have children but I am very sensitive to cyber safety, especially with children, but really for us all. Still, when Facebook will not even let me send a friends request, I am both aghast and amused. Again.
As one or two fearless readers might have suspected, I am a Gordon Ramsey junkie. I've made risotto and Wellilngton to Chef Ramsay exacting standards. I watched him change his shirt so many times I'm more familiar with his chest hair than my partners (and why do the cameras follow him for wardrobe change???). At my house we dvr, inspect and dissect all things Gordon Ramsay. So when my Facebook friend Hell's Kitchen sent me a post last night announcing the new Season 8 chefs I got right on my droid and starting asking the chefs to be my new friends! Now, shortly all the chefs will have "official" Hell's Kitchen chef coat shots and Facebook pages, but while I might be a groupie, nobody wants to look like one (let's see, bandaid is already taken, would kitchen aid be copyright infringement?), so I like to get my requests in early and beat the rush!
Side Note Here--for any one (the number for followers I currently have), who hasn't worked a few years in a kitchen let me give you the 411 on restaurant groupies. Maybe they aren't riding the tour bus with the roadies to get to Mick, or holding anyone hostage because they are their Number 1 fan, but they are strange and undeniably creepy. What makes them so creepy? They aren't trying to sleep with the band. They aren't 6-degrees separated from anyone famous. They aren't even trying to rub elbows with celebrities, celebrity wanna be's, reality stars (or party crashers)--they are gratified by personal contact with the people who cook their food!!! You see many different degrees of restaurant groupies. The businessman that wants the waiters name so he monopolize their time, but in reality he just needs to make a lasting impression (this will be the same guy on an upcoming segment of Kitchen Nightmares who bought the restaurant because he believes he orders well and what else do you need to know?) The people who need to be greeted by the owners, fawned over, special faire and introductions for all their friends. Let me tell you, it is no coincidence that the host/maitre'd is frequently a man with an air of over confidence (over compensating for his inadequacies) and an eye for the ladies (or men), because in some alien restaurant hierarchy, you are the rock star. I know, go figure. It reminds me of the look on a 5-year old niece's face when I told her paper grew on trees. I've known groupies that have hosted the restaurant's Christmas Party, hired the chef to drop by the house and whip up a little something for their friends, and they all offer to play host or hostess for free--again, because what do you really need to know to successfully run the floor of a restaurant?
Now, we have taken that groupie experience to a whole new level!! We have combined that sick and sordid need for personal interaction with the people peeling our shrimp and tossed in more than a dash of pseudo celebrity. I myself have felt my heart race just a little at the realization that I was having an actual, virtual conversation with Season Six winner Dave Levey about dating and woman. I badly wanted some other obsessed fan of reality tv to touch me! So I share these experiences with my mate, let's call him Bart, because that's a joke and believe me more than anything he wants to remain anonymous! Bart doesn't get it, he never wants to get it, and he hopes he never has to have it. He calls it sucking face with my phone , he resents the intrusion, and he'd like me to go do a chore instead. Now you know why I've taken up blogging.
So as I am very excitedly adding new chefs to my fold, not one but two of the friends request came back something like, "you don't know these people, so quit trying to access them you Facebook Freek!" "Oh yeah, and if you think you have reached this message in error, so what!" Now on or soon after September 22, 2010, there are going to be two Hell's Kitchen contestants making the dog and pony show personal appearance tour from restaurant to restaurant trying to dredge up customers for viewing parties during the approximate 14 weeks the series airs, that will never be able to send me an invite!! Example--Chef contestants Salvatore Coppola, Jason "Jay" Santos, and Ed Battaglia attend a "Hell's Kitchen" finale viewing party at Gargoyle's on the Square in Somerville.
Ladies, you had your chance--and you and Facebook blew it!! I'm a great friend. I watch your show religiously. I make you seem popular by leaving comments on your posts. I even send you conciliatory messages after you get booted off the show like a freaking donkey! Unfortunately for you two, I will be doing that for Gail Novenario and Russel Kook, who had the good sense to accept me as their friends right away, instead of you. DENIED!
As one or two fearless readers might have suspected, I am a Gordon Ramsey junkie. I've made risotto and Wellilngton to Chef Ramsay exacting standards. I watched him change his shirt so many times I'm more familiar with his chest hair than my partners (and why do the cameras follow him for wardrobe change???). At my house we dvr, inspect and dissect all things Gordon Ramsay. So when my Facebook friend Hell's Kitchen sent me a post last night announcing the new Season 8 chefs I got right on my droid and starting asking the chefs to be my new friends! Now, shortly all the chefs will have "official" Hell's Kitchen chef coat shots and Facebook pages, but while I might be a groupie, nobody wants to look like one (let's see, bandaid is already taken, would kitchen aid be copyright infringement?), so I like to get my requests in early and beat the rush!
Side Note Here--for any one (the number for followers I currently have), who hasn't worked a few years in a kitchen let me give you the 411 on restaurant groupies. Maybe they aren't riding the tour bus with the roadies to get to Mick, or holding anyone hostage because they are their Number 1 fan, but they are strange and undeniably creepy. What makes them so creepy? They aren't trying to sleep with the band. They aren't 6-degrees separated from anyone famous. They aren't even trying to rub elbows with celebrities, celebrity wanna be's, reality stars (or party crashers)--they are gratified by personal contact with the people who cook their food!!! You see many different degrees of restaurant groupies. The businessman that wants the waiters name so he monopolize their time, but in reality he just needs to make a lasting impression (this will be the same guy on an upcoming segment of Kitchen Nightmares who bought the restaurant because he believes he orders well and what else do you need to know?) The people who need to be greeted by the owners, fawned over, special faire and introductions for all their friends. Let me tell you, it is no coincidence that the host/maitre'd is frequently a man with an air of over confidence (over compensating for his inadequacies) and an eye for the ladies (or men), because in some alien restaurant hierarchy, you are the rock star. I know, go figure. It reminds me of the look on a 5-year old niece's face when I told her paper grew on trees. I've known groupies that have hosted the restaurant's Christmas Party, hired the chef to drop by the house and whip up a little something for their friends, and they all offer to play host or hostess for free--again, because what do you really need to know to successfully run the floor of a restaurant?
Now, we have taken that groupie experience to a whole new level!! We have combined that sick and sordid need for personal interaction with the people peeling our shrimp and tossed in more than a dash of pseudo celebrity. I myself have felt my heart race just a little at the realization that I was having an actual, virtual conversation with Season Six winner Dave Levey about dating and woman. I badly wanted some other obsessed fan of reality tv to touch me! So I share these experiences with my mate, let's call him Bart, because that's a joke and believe me more than anything he wants to remain anonymous! Bart doesn't get it, he never wants to get it, and he hopes he never has to have it. He calls it sucking face with my phone , he resents the intrusion, and he'd like me to go do a chore instead. Now you know why I've taken up blogging.
So as I am very excitedly adding new chefs to my fold, not one but two of the friends request came back something like, "you don't know these people, so quit trying to access them you Facebook Freek!" "Oh yeah, and if you think you have reached this message in error, so what!" Now on or soon after September 22, 2010, there are going to be two Hell's Kitchen contestants making the dog and pony show personal appearance tour from restaurant to restaurant trying to dredge up customers for viewing parties during the approximate 14 weeks the series airs, that will never be able to send me an invite!! Example--Chef contestants Salvatore Coppola, Jason "Jay" Santos, and Ed Battaglia attend a "Hell's Kitchen" finale viewing party at Gargoyle's on the Square in Somerville.
Ladies, you had your chance--and you and Facebook blew it!! I'm a great friend. I watch your show religiously. I make you seem popular by leaving comments on your posts. I even send you conciliatory messages after you get booted off the show like a freaking donkey! Unfortunately for you two, I will be doing that for Gail Novenario and Russel Kook, who had the good sense to accept me as their friends right away, instead of you. DENIED!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Glory Days
Hint--when your 50, your glory days of high school are behind you and should always be left there!
Ok, so I live in a small, mostly blue collar town (not to imply that they actually wear a collar) where people still smoke and go to the 7-11 in their bedroom slippers. Front Royal has a supernatural influence over it's residence, even the educated and affluent become sedentary and culturally static over time, like the air outside of town suddenly gets thin for them, sort of the Tommyknockers Syndrome. I live in a Friday Night town with a single Bath and Body Works, Melting Pot Pizza, and Andrick's has two locations for Nascar memorabilia? paraphernalia? collectables? I'm just not sure! The citizens probably aren't certain of the religious affiliation of their President, but they know which Redskins showed up for practice today, am I painting a picture?
I am of that school of thought that childhood is indeed what you spent the rest of your life trying to get over! No wonder I'm not a fan of death defying rides as my whole life has been up and down like a roller coaster ride, so I'm both confused and amused when I run into the middle aged mind reliving it's glory day, which should probably really be their salad days, since their successes would hopefully have been ahead of them instead of behind them since high school? Again, I don't know!
So I'm trapped at my job by a customer I went to high school with . . . in 1979! It was the longest 10 minutes I can ever remember. I was hoping that the woman who asked my three different ways if we had any chewing gum would return! It was like 20 questions in a shooting gallery! What is your name? What year did you graduate? Do you know my name? Do you know my brother's name? Did you know he had 3 wives (you stumped me there!)? All that was missing was a bare light bulb and a boiling pot of lamb stew! I could hardly answer in time. Oddly, I'm sure I went to school with his wife as well, but she never interrupted and he never included her, so I guess it all worked out.
This is a quote from a young co-worker of mine, who would never believe that an old broad like myself would know what a blog is, much less have one, so I feel secure in copying his sentiment here.
Since no one reads my blogs I'm going to live on the edge and name my friend Jeremy and my former school mate Frank here, by name. Jeremy, Frank is the guy for you. 31 years later Frank still wishes he was there, and sends you this message --Warren County High School will never have another baseball team like the 1979 team. What do you think about that, Jeremy?
Ok, so I live in a small, mostly blue collar town (not to imply that they actually wear a collar) where people still smoke and go to the 7-11 in their bedroom slippers. Front Royal has a supernatural influence over it's residence, even the educated and affluent become sedentary and culturally static over time, like the air outside of town suddenly gets thin for them, sort of the Tommyknockers Syndrome. I live in a Friday Night town with a single Bath and Body Works, Melting Pot Pizza, and Andrick's has two locations for Nascar memorabilia? paraphernalia? collectables? I'm just not sure! The citizens probably aren't certain of the religious affiliation of their President, but they know which Redskins showed up for practice today, am I painting a picture?
I am of that school of thought that childhood is indeed what you spent the rest of your life trying to get over! No wonder I'm not a fan of death defying rides as my whole life has been up and down like a roller coaster ride, so I'm both confused and amused when I run into the middle aged mind reliving it's glory day, which should probably really be their salad days, since their successes would hopefully have been ahead of them instead of behind them since high school? Again, I don't know!
So I'm trapped at my job by a customer I went to high school with . . . in 1979! It was the longest 10 minutes I can ever remember. I was hoping that the woman who asked my three different ways if we had any chewing gum would return! It was like 20 questions in a shooting gallery! What is your name? What year did you graduate? Do you know my name? Do you know my brother's name? Did you know he had 3 wives (you stumped me there!)? All that was missing was a bare light bulb and a boiling pot of lamb stew! I could hardly answer in time. Oddly, I'm sure I went to school with his wife as well, but she never interrupted and he never included her, so I guess it all worked out.
This is a quote from a young co-worker of mine, who would never believe that an old broad like myself would know what a blog is, much less have one, so I feel secure in copying his sentiment here.
Even though some people graduate high school they still wish they were in it.
Since no one reads my blogs I'm going to live on the edge and name my friend Jeremy and my former school mate Frank here, by name. Jeremy, Frank is the guy for you. 31 years later Frank still wishes he was there, and sends you this message --Warren County High School will never have another baseball team like the 1979 team. What do you think about that, Jeremy?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Running Down a THING
I love to write. Not to pretend that I do it well, I just love it. At times I completely understand how writers outline and diagram a novel--and it ends up somewhere else entirely. I get that. It's like the Invisible Hand theory I studied in Economics, only interesting (just kidding professor!). It's one of the most exciting parts about writing--when the words just roll on, sometimes faster than you can type them.
My problem, if you can sincerely call it a problem, is that I really, really want to blog. I want to commit to an hour a day. I want to make the commitment, devote the time to a positive outlet in my life, and have the discipline to follow through and stick with it. So do I need rules and sturcture for my blog? Should I begin this endeavor with an outline, a diagram, a concept blog? Already I can feel the joy of writing running off the page. Up to this point I have sat down and put fingers to keyboard just pretty much when a topic popped for me. Usually some quirk of mine, tweaked by some unpleasant occurrence. Tony Robbins is whispering in my ear telling me that setting a goal and accomplishing it is going to turn my life around, and believe me when I tell you my life could use a u-turn! So what do I do?
Hear is the rub--I want people to read it. I want followers! Badly, actually. I want them to look for it in the morning like the paper, and chuckle as they go just like I did while I was writing it. I saw a couple on the Today Show (and folks, the more I follow news shows the more it becomes clear to me that it doesn't take a whole lot to get on early morning tv), where the man talks in his sleep. It was more specific than that, but it's been a while and it wasn't all that. The woman would essentially tape the nighttime conversations and re type them in her blog (had a chef boyfriend once who frequently sauteed in his sleep, little did I know I could parlay him into 15 minutes of fame). They had people across the pond and back following her blog! Unfortunately the only thing you would learn from my bedroom at night is that apparently I snore more frequently than I use to. Now that is something I want to blog about!
I saw an episode of House where a blogger related everything she did all day. Sample of my daily blog would be--Went to my first job. Ate more carbs than 3 people needed. Wondered how many carbs I could squeeze in for lunch? Changed clothes in anticipation of my second job of the day, make fashion statement with a t-shirt that reads "I like pink butt, and I can't lie!" . . . you get the picture. Who would read that? Perfect for an English as a Second Language class! This last example is actaully a tweet issue instead of a blog, but a follower is a follower. I chick wins a contest to be the only person that Conan "Coco" O'Brien follows on Twitter. This freaking girl suddenly has offers for a designer wedding gown, a new job, some guy wants to send her to college! I have a Twitter account, sigmundfreud102, Coco--tweet me up!!.
I use to pray for a fabulous man, a kicking job and to lose 20 pounds. Then I prayed for a kickin' job and to lose 20 pounds. Now I'd almost trade those 20 pounds for my blog to go virile on the internet. I list my blog on my email accounts. I list them on Facebook. I submit them to stumble on. Help! Could those two people who follow me now brainstorm some kind of "hook" for me. Could you poll your grandmother or your kids? I'm desperate. Maybe I could start a "Save My Blog" fan page!
My problem, if you can sincerely call it a problem, is that I really, really want to blog. I want to commit to an hour a day. I want to make the commitment, devote the time to a positive outlet in my life, and have the discipline to follow through and stick with it. So do I need rules and sturcture for my blog? Should I begin this endeavor with an outline, a diagram, a concept blog? Already I can feel the joy of writing running off the page. Up to this point I have sat down and put fingers to keyboard just pretty much when a topic popped for me. Usually some quirk of mine, tweaked by some unpleasant occurrence. Tony Robbins is whispering in my ear telling me that setting a goal and accomplishing it is going to turn my life around, and believe me when I tell you my life could use a u-turn! So what do I do?
Hear is the rub--I want people to read it. I want followers! Badly, actually. I want them to look for it in the morning like the paper, and chuckle as they go just like I did while I was writing it. I saw a couple on the Today Show (and folks, the more I follow news shows the more it becomes clear to me that it doesn't take a whole lot to get on early morning tv), where the man talks in his sleep. It was more specific than that, but it's been a while and it wasn't all that. The woman would essentially tape the nighttime conversations and re type them in her blog (had a chef boyfriend once who frequently sauteed in his sleep, little did I know I could parlay him into 15 minutes of fame). They had people across the pond and back following her blog! Unfortunately the only thing you would learn from my bedroom at night is that apparently I snore more frequently than I use to. Now that is something I want to blog about!
I saw an episode of House where a blogger related everything she did all day. Sample of my daily blog would be--Went to my first job. Ate more carbs than 3 people needed. Wondered how many carbs I could squeeze in for lunch? Changed clothes in anticipation of my second job of the day, make fashion statement with a t-shirt that reads "I like pink butt, and I can't lie!" . . . you get the picture. Who would read that? Perfect for an English as a Second Language class! This last example is actaully a tweet issue instead of a blog, but a follower is a follower. I chick wins a contest to be the only person that Conan "Coco" O'Brien follows on Twitter. This freaking girl suddenly has offers for a designer wedding gown, a new job, some guy wants to send her to college! I have a Twitter account, sigmundfreud102, Coco--tweet me up!!.
I use to pray for a fabulous man, a kicking job and to lose 20 pounds. Then I prayed for a kickin' job and to lose 20 pounds. Now I'd almost trade those 20 pounds for my blog to go virile on the internet. I list my blog on my email accounts. I list them on Facebook. I submit them to stumble on. Help! Could those two people who follow me now brainstorm some kind of "hook" for me. Could you poll your grandmother or your kids? I'm desperate. Maybe I could start a "Save My Blog" fan page!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Gordon Ramsay Over Cooked?
Is Gordon Ramsay going down in flames? A victim of over exposure to the television gods that made him? Could the next entry in his multi show television deal be poop and scoop on a plate?
I love Hell's Kitchen. I love the flying food shrapnel, I love the trash cans being kicked into space, I love the F&*@ing donkeys! I can't wait to see a contestant cry, I keep score of what I call the curse of the winning challenger (I find a high percentage of contestants get eliminated after winning an individual challenge), and after this season, I love watching what happens in the hot tub! I'm almost as enthralled by Kitchen Nightmares. I sometimes think I enjoy the US versions to the UK, mostly because the chef being beaten down by Gordon usually mumbles making it harder to follow, and the British are polite to the point that they rarely put up anything in close to a fight compared to their American cousins. I've even enjoy the F Word in spurts, and I have a love/hate relationship with format of the series. I like the seasonal brigade challenges, having the customers cast their dollar votes by either paying or not paying for a course prepared by each group of cooks was particularity entertaining and I looked forward to the competition. I hate the regional ingredeint segments, especially when Ramsay snared a cute little puffin, broke it's neck and cooked it--hated it! I like the celebrities ,semi famous Brits I may or may not have heard of, who cook his or her specialty while GR cooks his version and a random (or planted) group of diners vote on the winner--it's amazing how many times Gordon loses (again, staged, I don't know). I hate when he raises animals in his back yard and they he and his children chow down on Wilbur or Nigella, if I had to be reminded at every meal that my food had a face, I would definitely be a vegetarian! And two things I really, really hate--when he has some rancid food, ingredient eating contest with some semi celeb. What does it say about a restaurateur who encourages quests to barf for the cameras, and in his own dining room! And I hate Janet Street-Porter. The woman will drink anything to appear interesting on tv. Breast milk, animal blood, who knows what all else. I'm as dark and brooding as the next goth guy, but she really irritates me. But all in all, it was a peaceful little series where Gordon could glad hand and get the back slapping he's sure he's due.
Now having said all that, the chinks in the Ramsay restaurant empire are not a big secret. Everyone from the BBC to the New York Post have reported on restaurant closings and lawsuit filing. Currently, GR 50% interest in a package of littler known television shows is being sold off for a pretty good chunk of change.
But, I gotten say, I think the man needs to consider playing a little harder to get!! That cook along with the D-list celebrities and you at home, sucked ass!! I was embarrassed for both of us, and Alyson Hannigan! And Master Chef, well, I've never watched American Idol, so maybe I just don't get it! Now that the field has narrowed and you can connect with returning cooks, it becomes perilously close to the HK tried and true format. I suspect that the difference is you can judge for yourself if you believe am entertainer is talented, but we only have our visual impressions and the word of the 3 judges on the contestants signature dish. Soon the dishes and the contestants all begin to look the same.
So is the GR franchise slipping? Are we in the midst of watching Gordon jump the sauteed shark? I've felt a shift in the force!
This season of HK wasn't what I would call spot on! On one hand it was a guilty pleasure to catch two episodes a week, but I think series suffered. Maybe we subconsciously become more invested when we aren't looking ahead to the 2nd episode. I don't know. I only know that I didn't feel the same connection to the chef's that I have in previous seasons. My most consistent complaint of Season Seven is that everything seemed forced and a little tired. The making out with his wife sequence seemed like a desperate attempt to give her some television face time while convincing us that the marriage is fine and the rumors of a mistress and long term adultery are groundless. The mistress is publishing a book next month, I'm not so sure! Everything felt hurried and really edited. Instead of the traditional challenge winning photo shoot, they took pictures of Ben (the makeover couldn't have helped but been an improvement!)!! They didn't even design two dining rooms, although neither did Season Six. The prizes and rewards seemed a little lame, and most importantly, Where The Hell was Chef Ramsey???? He was like the Claude Raines host!! The chef's went alone to their rewards, or they sent JP. What was going on? I kind of felt cheated, imagine how they felt.
And then their are the Hell's Kitchen facts of life. Did you know Season One winner, Michael Wray, wound up with a set of cookware for winning Hell's Kitchen. He's initial prize was head chef,@blah, blah, blah, can't remember the name--but turned it down to work for Ramsay in one of his restaurants in England. He went to England, he returned after a brief visit and didn't take either job--so essentially he did all that for some pots and pans (wow). Last I heard he's attempt at his own restaurant HK One, hit a financial dead end and he teaches cooking. Dave Levey, the one armed bandit of Season Six, did work at Araxi for the Olympics plus 3 months. Dave is my friend on Facebook and he says that the duration of his position was his decision and that he learned a lot--but at the end of the day it was the television exposure, not the actual prize that has boosted Dave's career. Heather West and Christina Machamer seem to have fared the best. Heather returned as Hell's Kitchen's sous chef for Season 6 and Machamer worked for Ramsay's London West Hollywood Hotel for a year and has further expanded her culinary education and produced her own spice line BCBC Blends Spices. I've long felt cheated that the contest is a virtual sham--usually around $250K to accept a glamorous sounding position for the cameras and press, but did you know most of the diners aren't even real. Here's how it goes. 100 people are paid $50 per to possibly be taped entering and leaving Hell's Kitchen for each televised service. He's the catch--only the a small number of those actually get food prepared by the chefs! WTF? The other diners eat take-out ordered in from another restaurant. Then tell me why those guys are having such a hard time with service??
One internet posting slates Season 8 premier for September 22. Dave Levey who was caught on tape with Sous Chef Scott during the Season Seven finale with the cast still on his arm, admits that reality tv isn't live, and that the production schedule between seasons isn't long. This season is rumored the be the series finale. I'm an addict, and even when the crack is crap I gotta have it. So I'm giving HK another season. As for Gordon Ramsay and his other offerings, let's wait and see.
I love Hell's Kitchen. I love the flying food shrapnel, I love the trash cans being kicked into space, I love the F&*@ing donkeys! I can't wait to see a contestant cry, I keep score of what I call the curse of the winning challenger (I find a high percentage of contestants get eliminated after winning an individual challenge), and after this season, I love watching what happens in the hot tub! I'm almost as enthralled by Kitchen Nightmares. I sometimes think I enjoy the US versions to the UK, mostly because the chef being beaten down by Gordon usually mumbles making it harder to follow, and the British are polite to the point that they rarely put up anything in close to a fight compared to their American cousins. I've even enjoy the F Word in spurts, and I have a love/hate relationship with format of the series. I like the seasonal brigade challenges, having the customers cast their dollar votes by either paying or not paying for a course prepared by each group of cooks was particularity entertaining and I looked forward to the competition. I hate the regional ingredeint segments, especially when Ramsay snared a cute little puffin, broke it's neck and cooked it--hated it! I like the celebrities ,semi famous Brits I may or may not have heard of, who cook his or her specialty while GR cooks his version and a random (or planted) group of diners vote on the winner--it's amazing how many times Gordon loses (again, staged, I don't know). I hate when he raises animals in his back yard and they he and his children chow down on Wilbur or Nigella, if I had to be reminded at every meal that my food had a face, I would definitely be a vegetarian! And two things I really, really hate--when he has some rancid food, ingredient eating contest with some semi celeb. What does it say about a restaurateur who encourages quests to barf for the cameras, and in his own dining room! And I hate Janet Street-Porter. The woman will drink anything to appear interesting on tv. Breast milk, animal blood, who knows what all else. I'm as dark and brooding as the next goth guy, but she really irritates me. But all in all, it was a peaceful little series where Gordon could glad hand and get the back slapping he's sure he's due.
Now having said all that, the chinks in the Ramsay restaurant empire are not a big secret. Everyone from the BBC to the New York Post have reported on restaurant closings and lawsuit filing. Currently, GR 50% interest in a package of littler known television shows is being sold off for a pretty good chunk of change.
But, I gotten say, I think the man needs to consider playing a little harder to get!! That cook along with the D-list celebrities and you at home, sucked ass!! I was embarrassed for both of us, and Alyson Hannigan! And Master Chef, well, I've never watched American Idol, so maybe I just don't get it! Now that the field has narrowed and you can connect with returning cooks, it becomes perilously close to the HK tried and true format. I suspect that the difference is you can judge for yourself if you believe am entertainer is talented, but we only have our visual impressions and the word of the 3 judges on the contestants signature dish. Soon the dishes and the contestants all begin to look the same.
So is the GR franchise slipping? Are we in the midst of watching Gordon jump the sauteed shark? I've felt a shift in the force!
This season of HK wasn't what I would call spot on! On one hand it was a guilty pleasure to catch two episodes a week, but I think series suffered. Maybe we subconsciously become more invested when we aren't looking ahead to the 2nd episode. I don't know. I only know that I didn't feel the same connection to the chef's that I have in previous seasons. My most consistent complaint of Season Seven is that everything seemed forced and a little tired. The making out with his wife sequence seemed like a desperate attempt to give her some television face time while convincing us that the marriage is fine and the rumors of a mistress and long term adultery are groundless. The mistress is publishing a book next month, I'm not so sure! Everything felt hurried and really edited. Instead of the traditional challenge winning photo shoot, they took pictures of Ben (the makeover couldn't have helped but been an improvement!)!! They didn't even design two dining rooms, although neither did Season Six. The prizes and rewards seemed a little lame, and most importantly, Where The Hell was Chef Ramsey???? He was like the Claude Raines host!! The chef's went alone to their rewards, or they sent JP. What was going on? I kind of felt cheated, imagine how they felt.
And then their are the Hell's Kitchen facts of life. Did you know Season One winner, Michael Wray, wound up with a set of cookware for winning Hell's Kitchen. He's initial prize was head chef,@blah, blah, blah, can't remember the name--but turned it down to work for Ramsay in one of his restaurants in England. He went to England, he returned after a brief visit and didn't take either job--so essentially he did all that for some pots and pans (wow). Last I heard he's attempt at his own restaurant HK One, hit a financial dead end and he teaches cooking. Dave Levey, the one armed bandit of Season Six, did work at Araxi for the Olympics plus 3 months. Dave is my friend on Facebook and he says that the duration of his position was his decision and that he learned a lot--but at the end of the day it was the television exposure, not the actual prize that has boosted Dave's career. Heather West and Christina Machamer seem to have fared the best. Heather returned as Hell's Kitchen's sous chef for Season 6 and Machamer worked for Ramsay's London West Hollywood Hotel for a year and has further expanded her culinary education and produced her own spice line BCBC Blends Spices. I've long felt cheated that the contest is a virtual sham--usually around $250K to accept a glamorous sounding position for the cameras and press, but did you know most of the diners aren't even real. Here's how it goes. 100 people are paid $50 per to possibly be taped entering and leaving Hell's Kitchen for each televised service. He's the catch--only the a small number of those actually get food prepared by the chefs! WTF? The other diners eat take-out ordered in from another restaurant. Then tell me why those guys are having such a hard time with service??
One internet posting slates Season 8 premier for September 22. Dave Levey who was caught on tape with Sous Chef Scott during the Season Seven finale with the cast still on his arm, admits that reality tv isn't live, and that the production schedule between seasons isn't long. This season is rumored the be the series finale. I'm an addict, and even when the crack is crap I gotta have it. So I'm giving HK another season. As for Gordon Ramsay and his other offerings, let's wait and see.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Girls Gone Wild
Ahh man, I just wrote a whole sarcastic, caustic blog and I lost it before it was saved. All that wit and snipe and I lost it! I know how Michael Douglas' character felt in The Wonder Boys!
Alright, Girls Gone Wild--and there wasn't a beach or a bikini in sight.
I understand that Sarah Palin felt the need to weigh in again on the NY Mosque issue. Guess the President was taking so many shots that it was safe for her to peak up out of her hole and try to get off another round (don't you like the way I managed to keep the hunting metaphor going?). She sent the President her opinion via Twitter. The woman tweeted at the Commander in Chief of the free world! Come on. Have you no shame, or no respect for the office you presumably want to attain? By the way, it is so much classier to write your notes on your hand with a sharpie than to read a teleprompter! Do you want me to send over my opinions on child rearing, birth control, finishing a job?? And we follow you around to have you sign your $28.99 book (Amazon did recently put it in the rock bottom remainders for $19.13), or pay you a big chunk of change to speak! OMG, like we could stop you from speaking!! Please, go home. Mentor one of your children, haven't you heard them screaming for your attention Entertainment Weekly article entitled, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's On Again Off Again Relationship Off Again.
MIchaela Salahi and Sarah Palin are like twin daughters of different mothers. Now imagine Michaele in 10 degree water with hip waders and salmon spawning over her feet. Does Burberry even make hip waders? Prada? She couldn't bear to settle for Ralph Lauren again! Some things Sarah and Michaele have in common you ask?
Then we have Catherine Ommanney. More than Girl Gone Wild we have Boorish Brit Bashes Housewives. She makes Michaela seem sympathetic. I thought her husband seemed oddly one dimensional, now I realize he was another domestic prop. Hope her children are real! And the Aunt Francis fiasco. Who didn't want to pinch her cheeks and have a biscuit loaded with saturated (hopefully unused) fat of some kind? I can just see Michaele working up some tears while inventing, I am recounting a childhood experience, say maybe in her own nanny's kitchen. Translated, Michaele has a vision of her childhood and shutters at the memory of not even having a housekeeper growing, all the while her parents sat her down and forced her to consume carbohydrates. Michaele overcome by tear at the memory mumbles an excuse into her napkin as she jets to the ladies to get rid of anything she accidentally swallowed.
Still, even if forced to be phony, I believe Michaele would have convinced even the most causal observer that she fit right into Green Acres. Cat on the other hand, is just an odious human being with little or no redeeming qualities. Are there any housewives left for her to offend. Is she going to be the first housewife voted off the plaza, even with two immunity idols and vintage chardonnay?
Alright, Girls Gone Wild--and there wasn't a beach or a bikini in sight.
I understand that Sarah Palin felt the need to weigh in again on the NY Mosque issue. Guess the President was taking so many shots that it was safe for her to peak up out of her hole and try to get off another round (don't you like the way I managed to keep the hunting metaphor going?). She sent the President her opinion via Twitter. The woman tweeted at the Commander in Chief of the free world! Come on. Have you no shame, or no respect for the office you presumably want to attain? By the way, it is so much classier to write your notes on your hand with a sharpie than to read a teleprompter! Do you want me to send over my opinions on child rearing, birth control, finishing a job?? And we follow you around to have you sign your $28.99 book (Amazon did recently put it in the rock bottom remainders for $19.13), or pay you a big chunk of change to speak! OMG, like we could stop you from speaking!! Please, go home. Mentor one of your children, haven't you heard them screaming for your attention Entertainment Weekly article entitled, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's On Again Off Again Relationship Off Again.
MIchaela Salahi and Sarah Palin are like twin daughters of different mothers. Now imagine Michaele in 10 degree water with hip waders and salmon spawning over her feet. Does Burberry even make hip waders? Prada? She couldn't bear to settle for Ralph Lauren again! Some things Sarah and Michaele have in common you ask?
- Both are considered more for their looks than for their content.
- Both believe there is no such thing as bad press.
- Neither their ambition or their balls have any limits.
- Neither one is going to show up unless they get paid.
Then we have Catherine Ommanney. More than Girl Gone Wild we have Boorish Brit Bashes Housewives. She makes Michaela seem sympathetic. I thought her husband seemed oddly one dimensional, now I realize he was another domestic prop. Hope her children are real! And the Aunt Francis fiasco. Who didn't want to pinch her cheeks and have a biscuit loaded with saturated (hopefully unused) fat of some kind? I can just see Michaele working up some tears while inventing, I am recounting a childhood experience, say maybe in her own nanny's kitchen. Translated, Michaele has a vision of her childhood and shutters at the memory of not even having a housekeeper growing, all the while her parents sat her down and forced her to consume carbohydrates. Michaele overcome by tear at the memory mumbles an excuse into her napkin as she jets to the ladies to get rid of anything she accidentally swallowed.
Still, even if forced to be phony, I believe Michaele would have convinced even the most causal observer that she fit right into Green Acres. Cat on the other hand, is just an odious human being with little or no redeeming qualities. Are there any housewives left for her to offend. Is she going to be the first housewife voted off the plaza, even with two immunity idols and vintage chardonnay?
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