alice's tea party, or how do i get people to read my blog?

I don't need to be the one blog coco follows and thousands of people instantly read my blog. it goes viral, people offer me jobs and want to pay my mortgage. but a few people would be nice! i'm funny. i actually write well and am interesting. i picked a catchy title with current references that could be easily picked up by various search engines--even if half of it has nothing to do with the blog! now i'm laughing. this is an exercise for myself, but come on, couldn't some freak that does nothing but read blogs all day trip over it and at least look like someone else read. one how to article said to pick a host that had blocks for slammers who would rampantly and repeatedly trash your blog. bring them on!!! slam me, just read me!!!
in a world where andy warhols kitty cat could get 15 minutes of fame, what am i doing wrong?? i'm not kidding. the today show ran a couple who were 30, had triplets on the 30th, of the 3rd month of the year. that's all it took to get a spot on national televison. a middle aged woman with stuns the planet because simon cowell gave her a raised eyebrow. another british woman shows you how to apply too much eye makeup on the internet and now that her video has more hits than the presidents, she has her own makeup line. and again on the hard nut to crack today show, the woman who repeats her husbands every sleeping phrase had a segment. and he is british. do i smell a theme? a common denominator? do i need to type wanker and loo, bloody useless blog??
i want to blog for an hour a day, every day. i don't want to update it hourly like the sick chick on house that recorded her and her boyfriends every bowel movement. i'd like to relate funny stories about my family and friends, but not just that. i have tons of thoughts and ideas and theories in my head. and no one to share them with. everyone thinks their life could be a reality show. my friends think my life should be a reality show. and i want to rant, but not necessarily about them. i want to rant about movies, and television and people in the news. i want to warn johnny depp's baby momma not to let him make that movie with angelina jolie. trust me, not good will come of it!! i want to make fun of what sarah palin said today. i want to write about trends in fashion that are ridiculous, or on slow days i want to compare jane austin to virginia woolf--that would be anne hathway to nicole kidman to those not really in the know.
i live in the boonies. outside the beltway, but edging toward west virginia. the locals smoke cigarettes and go to the 7-eleven in their sweat pants and bedroom slippers to buy their scratch off lottery tickets. they think the reformation is something on this old house and martin luther was killed in the '60's. in my college psychology glass only the prof and i had seen schindler's list, but almost everyone had seen ace ventura pet detective. nobody liked monk but most of the woman i work with watch house. i love them so i'll wait and rant about them later. but you see where i'm going with this?
please read my blog. please read my blog and than post things to tell me how to get people to read my blog. slam me. make fun of me. i want to write a snappy blog that gets scooped up by snazzy publisher and turned into a cute little chick lit book, so i can be on the today show.